Lousy apology? How to apologize and when to forgive.

Lousy apology? How to apologize and when to forgive.

by dr Gustav Gous

Many of my clients ask:  What must I do if my spouse, partner, child (or even my business partner or local politician) offers a lousy apology.  Must I accept it and forgive? Or assert my right to ask for a better apology .

 In this very short blog I want to share the basic elements of a good apology. If you messed up – make sure to use it as guideline on how to offer a good apology.  If you were on the receiving end of wrongdoing, then you can use it as a grid to know what to look for in a good apology.

A good apology should include;

1.     1. A direct reference to the behaviour, wrongdoing at stake and a detailed account of what happened.

2.     2. An acknowledgement that it had negative effects (damage, loss or hurt)

3.     3. Taking full responsibility for the action/behaviour

4.     4. A full apology and statement of regret

5.     5. Specifically asking for forgiveness

6.     6. A statement on what is different? - and that it will not happen again (a promise is not good enough). If nothing is different, it will just re-occur.  

7.     7. An explanation on what he/she will do to rectify the situation and what restitution will be involved.

 When any of these elements are missing, or talked away with flimsy excuses, the apology is not complete.  General references like: “Sorry for what happened”, or “I am sorry that it turned out this way”, is not good enough and not sufficient. Any conditional apology is also not making the cut: “I’m sorry but …. It wasn’t actually me” or “I had this or that reason …”. The worst is: “Sorry that you took it up in this way”.  

The best way to look at it is to ask:  If my child came to me offering this lame excuse, how would I have reacted. Obviously pointing out where it was not yet done in the correct way.

A very recent example was the President of the Republic of South Africa, Jacob Zuma, offering an apology to the nation, after being found guilty of violating (failing to uphold) the Constitution of the RSA.

The Church can be said is to be in the forgiveness business.  But when the Anglican archbishop, and the South African Council of Churches, said they think it is a lame apology and that they do noit accept it, it created quite a furore.     I include the web-link to the full text of the President’s apology   http://ewn.co.za/2016/04/01/Full-text-of-President-Zumas-speech-on-Concourt-Nkandla-judgment.  Judge for yourself if his apology fulfils any of the requirements of a good apology. According to me it doesn’t even come close.

The basic message is:  Before you forgive: Listen carefully to the apology addressed to you. Even the bible says repentance and forgiveness must go hand in hand with the changing of your ways.

Furthermore it must also be debated if repentance must always lead to reconciliation – which is another matter.  

If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book dr Gustav Gous for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 

If you want  interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931   0r  0845138312 (Speak to Karen) or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Disclaimer:    Important notice to you as the reader:  Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.  

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com     www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .