Call the bluff of bullies: How to stand up to bullies at school, at work
and in love relationships.
There are 5 critical steps to stand up to bullies at school,
at work and in love relationships. You
can use it to protect yourself against bullies. Or you can use it to teach your
children or friends to protect themselves from this evil - the unacceptable
behaviour called bullying.
You can know that bullies come in all ages, sizes, races,
religions, and in both genders. You can even know the four reasons why people
revert to bully behaviour, namely:
1.
They
were either bullied themselves by their parents, peers, even teachers, in the
past.
2.
They
have big ego’s – the normal disguise for feelings of inferiority - and they find
joy in being the top dog in the popularity race, and use the group to become an
emotional lynch mob.
3.
They
want to compensate for their own insecurities, by being the gate-keeper of who
is ‘in, and who is ‘out’.
4.
Or
(and this is the very dangerous type) that they have little, if any, empathy
and may even show ruthless psychopathic tendencies,
You can also know that it is true what Tim Field says: "Bullying consists of the least competent most aggressive employee
projecting their incompetence on to the least aggressive most competent
employee and winning."
But all of it is just brain gymnastics if you do not follow
the practical steps on how to counter bully behaviour. Here are the 5 steps:
1. 1. It starts with a DEEP INNER REALIZATION that I
am worthy and must be treated as such. It even has a spiritual dimension of,
that if God regards me as worthy, who am I or any other person to dare to
differ.
2. 2. Then it must be followed by the IMPORTANT UNDERSTANDING
that it is in actual fact the bully that is insecure. A person secure of him or
herself will never feel the need to resort to bully behaviour. If people are
trying to bring you down – it is only because you are above them.
3. 3. It must be followed by a STRONG RESOLVE that I
am not going to allow it that anyone’s
insecurities, ignorance, hate, drama or negativity
prevent me from being the best person I can be.
4. 4. IMMEDIATE ACTION must follow: SPEAK OUT! Tim
Field is quoted to say: ‘Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to
be made a victim.’ Your task is to go and seek protection from authority
figures that can discipline the bullies. Speak out formally:
-
If you are a young student at school – make use
of the anonymous reporting lines to report bully behaviour. (If you are a teacher or parent and there are
no such reporting procedures – make sure to introduce them a.s.a.p.)
-
At work, phone the ethics line and report
victimization, or report it to HR using the available procedures in the
workplace. You can also speak to your labour union representative.
-
In marriages it is more difficult because there
is no higher authority to appeal to. The parents-in-law are more than often
part of the problem and not part of the solution. But you can always seek help
from a counsellor/coach/psychologist to strengthen you to handle the situation.
Speak out informally even if you have to shout out loud, or describe the person’s
actions in loud audible words, to pull immediate attention to the shameful
action of the bully. And remember: Don’t
ever go down the road of contemplating suicide or even attempt to plan or do
it! Why must you take yourself out because of another person’s bad behaviour.
Whatever the bullies say or do – they are saying anyway more about themselves
than about you.
5. 5. Lastly you must STRENGTHEN YOUR OWN ABILITIES,
because you will have to learn to fend for yourself. It includes the ability to
cut off negative things and learn not to internalize them. Master the art of
verbal and nonverbal (body language) assertiveness. Aggressiveness by the bully
must not be answered with submissiveness or with aggressiveness from your side
but with assertiveness where you draw a line in the sand and protect your own
boundaries. Learn verbal defense mechanisms, in extreme cases physical defense
mechanisms and develop the discernment when to step out of a situation if
necessary. Bullies are usually cowards.
They usually back off or run if you show real forceful resistance.
Follow these 5 steps, but be sure
to solicit the help of a life coach to master the art of asserting yourself in
a positive way.
But what if you are the bully? That is a topic for another
day, but here is something very briefly for you:
(1)
You must know : The world sees you for what you
are : Bullying are for losers
(2)
Try to find out where it comes from (difficult
childhood, bad example, etc) but realize: It is not always your fault that you
are the way you are, but is your fault that you stay the way you are.
(3)
Realize there is no real joy in PHD-life: A Pull
Him/Her Down-life. You will never feel better, if the only thing you can do is
make other people suffer.
(4)
Go for counselling to experience the freedom of
being liberated from your own destructive behaviour, that, if left unattended,
will boomerang one day on you.
If you do not want to head the call to seek help: Just hope in the meantime, that the kid you
bully does not turn out to be the
surgeon that one day have the decision making power to save your life through keeping the machines on
or switching them off!
Lastly: Make sure to always have sympathy with your kids: If
you have to go through as an adult, what
they often are faced with at school, then you would come out stronger in their
support.
One of the most graphic depictions of this is this French bully
video where they transfer the typical bully behaviour your child is faced with
to the workplace with adult role players. How will you react if the following
happens to you?
This video is an eye opener and went viral – +- more than 1,5
million views – it will grip your heart about the realities your kids may be
faced with. Share as widely as possible
to conscientize people.
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Dr Gustav Gous is an International Motivational Speaker and
Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he
was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol
for 9 years. He focusses on all the inner and inter-personal processes necessary to conduct good business.
He is known for his Transformational leadership
programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.
He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President
of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a
member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).
Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute,
specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for
international companies. He is the CEO of Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd.
Contact his office: +2712 3455931 Office hours 08:00 - 13:30 South African Time. (CAT)
gustav@gustavgous.co.za drgous@iafrica.com
Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous or on Facebook and LinkedIn .
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