Failure is not final: If you fail - at least fail forward. The 7 step plan to turn failure into success.

Failure is not final: If you fail - at least fail forward. The 7 step plan to turn failure into success. 

All of us fail at some stage or another. The good news is that failure doesn’t have to be final, nor fatal. You can master the art of turning failure into success. The problem is though that only a few have mastered the art of ‘failing forward’.

 

The majority is emotionally affected, demotivated, scared to try again, worse off,  a wreck, ridden with feelings of guilt, and if they try again, their mindset is such,  that they have actually lost even before they have started.

Nobody starts a relationship or a business with the idea to fail. But people feel that they are failures, if …

-          - their relationships fail or their marriages end up in divorce,

-          - they go bankrupt in business  ,

-          - they don’t get the position or promotion they aimed for,

-          - they make huge professional mistakes (like the air controller who caused two          passenger planes to crash, causing many deaths, and committing suicide afterwards out of feelings of guilt)

-          - they lose the first game of the world Cup tournament where they are aiming to win the      World Cup

-          - they (politicians) cause countries to be failed countries

-          - or lastly,  in broader sense, if they realise they are not winning the overall game of life.

For many it is ‘game-over’ after failure and they die disillusioned. But there is more to life and more to failure than just to stop at ‘game-over’. The only true failure,  is to stop trying. We all are frustrated in reaching our projected goals, but what is it that the minority, who don’t give up,  know, that the majority misses? 

Why is it that some people (the minority) experience defeats, but are never defeated. It is because failure defeats losers, and it inspires winners. It is because winning starts with an inner attitude, not an environment of easy victories. The basic secret, in the words of Malcolm Forbes, is that ‘Failure is success if we learn from it’. Through learning we can fail forward.  Henry Ford said: ‘Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely.’   

Our mistake is that we (the older people in the Baby Boomer generation) grew up in a world where there is no tolerance for failure. We grew up in a world where the aim was zero defect, with no place for mistakes.  Mistakes were punished, and not employed in the learning process.

We must to learn from babies who start to walk: They fail so many times – standing up – falling down – standing up again … , but they see failure as part of learning.  We must also learn from the computer-game generation: They are not afraid to start a new game (with no instructions!) and they are not afraid to make mistakes. They play, they crash, they learn, they continue to play and reach new levels through failing forward. For them failure is part of winning in the end. Is this not the better attitude to adopt?

Now,  let’s get a logical plan to structure a methodology to fail forward in a 7 step plan:

1.       Step 1: Take responsibility: Admit your mistakes. The danger is that you want to play the blame game. If you blame, then you sidestep responsibility. If you blame, then you lose control, because change can come only from the other person/people  who you blame: Only if they change then change can come.  The best is rather to keep control by taking responsibility.  ….    

2.       Step 2: Deal with guilt: Failure very often has to do with real guilt where you have messed up.  You may even be legally in trouble: Real guilt must be punished, but also can fortunately  be forgiven.  Confess if necessary. To God and to people.  It is liberating and part of the process to continue after failure.

3.       Step 3: Work hard on your attitudes and angles:  Attitude is everything – it is your angle on life and on situations. Take the following angles or attitude, and you will have a chance for future success:

-          (a)  See failure is part of success:  Not only babies, or computer-game kids, know that failure is part of the game, but also the great inventors.  An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail. Edison, the inventor of the electric light bulb said in the run up to his inventions:  “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” He didn’t lose motivation because his attitude was right – he saw failure as part of the process.  Successful sports people know it. Listen to Michael Jordan:   “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

-        (b) See failure as a happening and not a person. Zig Ziglar said: ‘Failure is an event – not a person. Yesterday ended last night.’ FAIL spells First Attempt In Learning. 

   (c) Develop emotional strength with a ‘never give up’-attitude until the very end:   Make this mantra part of your psyche: Failure is not final: I can and I will overcome – even if I don’t know how at the moment. Realise that failure is not fatal or final: it is the courage to continue that counts.

  (d) Turn attitude in action with a decision to go on: Make a decision to go on. Joel Osteen writes in his book ‘Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential’: “You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won’t happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”

Look at the list of famous so-called failures: Initial failures that didn't give up and achieved great(er) success later in their lives:

4.       Step 4:  Learn from the situation.  It is now time to sit with a coach and analyse the specific situation. Watch the replay.

*Ask the question ‘What went wrong?’ many times. That is the starting point for finding new ways.  Bill Gates said: ‘It is fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.’  Analyse the actions, attitudes, decisions, where it went astray or caused the failure.  

* Better still: Ask: What can I/we learn? Employ the failure and turn it into success.  Failure is success if we learn from it. Adjust where necessary.  Sometimes it is a good thing to fail because it gives you a wake-up call. Donald Trump says: ‘Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.’   

5.       Step 5: Renew yourself, your skills and your actions – even your game.

-          The starting point is yourself and your being: When the people of Israel messed up in ancient times, the call was to get a change of heart: Replace the heart of stone with a heart of flesh  (Esegiel 36:26). When King David messed up badly, his prayer was also for a new heart (Psalm 51).  No new behaviour will flow from the same old person.  That is true in marriages and in business.

-          The same skill-set will also not win the world cup. You must practice more and learn new skills and master new angles. The message is: Do something different. Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door, as Coco Chanel said. Rather get the new tools to make a door. It is insanity to expect different results from the same behaviour and skill set.

-          Also be honest with yourself: Ask yourself if you are in the right game? Must you, with your talents, be in this game? Make sure that you play your strongest talent in the right game. Sometimes you must get out of the game to play your best game.

6.       Step 6: Get a new Game plan – for your business, marriage or endeavour. To fail forward you need a new and better game plan - one  that has factored in the learnings from the mistakes.  Sit with a life coach to construct such a plan ( For info on one day workshops to design new life plans: email: admin@gustavgous.co.za for the relevant info and to receive an invitation www.get-a-lifein40days.com  ) . The Get-a-Life workshops are available and coaches accredited to assist you.

7.       Step 7:  Break the plan up in edible chunks and small executable steps. Many people who messed up by getting themselves into serious debt, for example, got relief by going to a debt counsellor who helped them to renegotiate and reschedule and to break the debt into small payable chunks. You also win any World Cup, not by thinking of the final, but by breaking it up into manageable chunks:  Don’t think of the final. You are not there yet. Think:  There are only 4 games left. Rather focus on the next game/step, the next opportunity, and not the final game.

Help others:  

And what if you see other people that you love experiencing great failure?  Then forward this plan to them the help them to get back on track. Be a true friend and assist them at the step where you can see they get stuck.

 Let’s summarise with the good old words of Winston Churchill:  “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” Follow the 7 steps and  you will master the art of ‘failing forward’. 

If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book dr Gustav Gous for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 

If you want  interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931   or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Disclaimer:    Important notice to you as the reader:  Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.  

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com     www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .

Five ways to stand your ground. Be assertive: Stop being a doormat (walkover), or an ugly aggressor.

Five ways to stand your ground. Be assertive: 
Stop being a doormat (walkover) or an ugly aggressor.

There are two kinds of people on earth: Those who get ulcers, and those who give ulcers. 

The first group submit all the time – they always give in and they allow others to trample on their rights. Let’s call them the ‘submissive walkovers’.  The latter group are the aggressive ones, who try to impose themselves and their will on you all the time. They don’t have respect for your boundaries and they invade your territory all the time.  Let’s call them the ‘aggressive invaders’.

But there is a third way:  The assertive way, where you have the stomach to say YES when you want to, and NO when you have to. 

The assertiveness pendulum:

Many people say: I don’t want to be the aggressive type,  but they then err to be the submissive type, and vice versa.  People find it difficult to stop the pendulum in the middle where it should be. Why? Because, it takes energy and skill to engage creatively in an assertive way.  It is the way of least resistance,  the easier way, the lazy option, to just give in, or try to win in a ‘blitzkrieg’ of fury.

See if you can recognize some people (family members, people at work and perhaps yourself) in these typical behaviours:

1.        Typical Submissive behaviour:  

-          Qualifying statements  such as: “maybe”; “I think …”; “If it is not too much trouble”; “would you”; “never mind”, … etc.

-          Stop words such as “uh”, “well”, “you know” …

-          Self-undermining words such as “it is not really important”, “don’t go to any real trouble” , “only if you really have the time” …

2.       Typical Aggressive behaviour:  

-          Threats such as: “You better”, “you must”, “you better be careful”; 

-          Words that ridicule such as “Oh come on”, “you can’t be serious”; etc

-          Judgemental statements such as “stupid”, “bad” … (Typical  ‘You are’–messages).

-          Racist or sexist language such as “typical female / male”; and other derogatory race words that I do not want to type here …..

Obviously there must be a third way - a better alternative to the above two options: 

    §  Submissive behaviour is about: I lose – you win

    §  Aggressive behaviour is about:  I win  – you lose

The third way is the assertive way:

    §  Assertive behaviour is about: I win – you win, and if we have to lose, then it must be a      fair 50/50 deal.

3.       Typical Assertive behaviour:  

-          I-messages such as : “I think”; “I would like to”; “I prefer that”

-          Collaborative words such as “let us”; and “shall we”

-          Words indicating interest such as “what do you think?” and “what is your opinion”

How do we move from the two bad alternatives to the better alternative of assertiveness?  

The good news is that assertiveness is a skill that can be learned. Here are 5 steps in the right direction:

FOUNDATIONAL SKILLS:

Step 1: Realization of Self-worth and self confidence

Only if you realize that you are worthy, and that God created all people equal, then you would be able to defend your own integrity. Self-confidence will result in positive self-projection and self-defense. You do not defend something that you do not regard as worthy.

Step 2: Get rid of bad beliefs and bad theology

Some cultural beliefs such as ‘women has a specific role’, or ‘young people must be seen and not heard”, must be discarded. Bad theology: Thinking the text of ‘turn the other cheek’ must sentence you to a lifetime of abuse or being trampled upon, must be brought into perspective.  The same Bible says you are an ambassador of Christ and a worthy human being (Psalms 8). The truths of the Bible must be balanced. The whole ministry of Jesus was to defend the helpless and the marginalized.

CORE SKILLS:

Step 3: Non-verbal assertion

You must learn to stand your ground non-verbally with body language, and tone of voice. The shy ‘Lady Dianna-look’ and the ‘adam-and-eve pose’ with hands in front of the crotch, will not do the trick. Submissive behaviour has a shy demeanour and a soft voice. Aggressive behaviour is loud and into your face. Assertive behaviour is to take a strong but comfortable pose in front of people or an audience.

Step 4: Verbal assertion

The strongest of the verbal assertion tools would be to give “I-messages”:  First ask: who owns the problem, i.e. who’s  rights has been violated. That person must master the art of giving “I-feel“ messages:  It works like this: “When you  (then you describe behaviour) …,  I feel ( then you express your feelings or the consequences of the behaviour on you) …,  I would prefer (then you describe the desired outcome). These skills must be practiced to become part of your communication DNA.

APPLICATION SKILLS

Step 5: Reach out (say YES) when you want to; and defend your rights/territory (say NO) when you have to.

I once saw a person I respect very much and always wanted to meet, walking in front of me at the Dubai International airport: It was mr Gary Player, the iconic South African Golfer. That night I had the energy and assertiveness to walk up to mr Player and say to him: “Sir, I always wanted to meet you, may I have the privilege to say hello. “ (It was the time before selfies – otherwise I would have had the selfie to prove it). 

On another occasion I didn’t have my energy and self-confidence in a row, when I saw Bono , from the band U2,  walking alone in front of me at Cape Town International airport. I still think it sad that I didn’t walk up to him that night, and spoke about how we both try to work to continue the legacy of Nelson Mandela. (He with Madiba as a personal friend, me with my Short Walk to Freedom workshops on Robben Island). Missed opportunities are very often the result of a lack of assertiveness.

Obviously it will take more than a blog to acquire the skill of assertiveness:   For team, personal coaching interventions  - feel free to contact me : gustav@gustavgous.co.za; admin@gustavgous.co.za

Remember: Lack of assertiveness reap havoc in personal relationships and teams. It is not a question of: Can I afford the money or time to do assertiveness training for myself, my children, my team?  It is a question of : Can I afford not to do it? You will pay a huge price without the skill of assertiveness in your life and in your business.  

My call to action is: Be assertive and help others to be the same:  Help your people not to get, or give ulcers, but to have the stomach to stand your ground!  

Definition of the word:  

Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive. In the field of psychology and psychotherapy, it is a learnable skill and mode of communication.

Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training. Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people's rights in a calm and positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting 'wrong'.

If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book dr Gustav Gous for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 

If you want  interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931   or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Disclaimer:    Important notice to you as the reader:  Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.  

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com     www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .

Take courage: CANcer CAN be beaten

CANcer CAN be beaten

Just recently sat with a friend supporting him in taking on the battle against cancer. Under the impression of what we discussed and shared, I reached for my laptop to dot down a few ideas. For anybody struggling with a so-called terminal disease, remember the following 11 pointers:

1. More people die with cancer, than because of cancer.

2. CANcer can be beaten. Focus mentally on the ‘can’ in cancer.

3. For us all (with or without an illness): Live every day full out as though it is your last day, and plan as if you are going to live for a very long time.

4. The looming reality of death (waiting for ALL of us) must bring us all to the point that we return to true priorities: What is important must become important again and what is unimportant must be regarded as such.

5. We must all realize – life is too short for bad coffee. There is no time for pettiness and nonsense – for majoring in minors.

6. Start asking the right questions: Do not ask: Why? Or Why me? Even if you get an answer to these questions .... what will it help? Rather ask: What now? How can I best spend the time (24hour day) that I have now.

7. Resist being paralyzed in the present (by fear or ‘angst’). You cannot always change the reality, but you can change your focus in the reality. Horizontally: Shift your focus from the looming danger to the opportunities that you do have: To love while you can, make a difference while you can, sort things and relationships out, and leaving a legacy (tasks that all people should do anyway). Vertically: A person of faith will focus on God (Psalm 121) and will enjoy God as Emmanuel, present and there for you in every situation.

8. All of us have a choice how we die eventually: 100% sick: 33.33% Physically, 33,33% Emotionally/Socially/Relationship wise, 33,33% Spiritually. Or 66,66% healthy: You body can and will give in one day but you can be spiritually and psychologically in perfect health! Long term cancer patients who eventually lost the battle, told me in counselling sessions that this was the good part about it: That they had enough time to become 66,66% healthy. They had peace.

9. My Father survived cancer 5 times (first diagnosed and operated on when he was 50 – he is now 86) for two reasons: (1) he is a person of faith and God cured him miraculously – more times than he even expected himself (confusing his oncologist!), but also (2) Because of his optimistic spirit. He is an arch optimist: When you ask him in the most difficult circumstances, ‘How are you?’, his reply would be: ‘Sometimes good, sometimes better. So today is just good.’ And he will continue: ‘Actually, when it goes well with me, I am well, when it goes terrible, it actually goes better, because of the growth opportunities in it.” Mmm .... what do you say about that!?!!.

10. Live full out with the realization that death is part of life: I lost my mother to cancer. All of us will eventually die. Make your life count while you can. Then there are no regrets when you have to say goodbye one day.

11. Death is not a wall. Death is a door.

Is it easy to handle? No. Is it possible to eventually come to terms with it? Yes.

Dr Gustav Gous was the in-house counsellor of the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He still does counselling but focuses more on Executive Coaching and long term company interventions as a consultant on Emotional-, Leadership- and Diversity Intelligence and other intra-psychological aspects of business. www.gustavgous.co.za ; www.diviin.com ; www.diamondprofiling.com gustav@gustavgous.co.za

Feel free to follow him on Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn

Six feedback questions to improve personal performance.

Six feedback questions to improve personal performance.

Start by asking yourself the following six questions: What must I ....

1. # Continue to do. ...

2. # Do more (increase) ...

3. # Stop doing ...

4. # Do less (decrease) ...

5. # Do differently ... and

6. # Start doing ...

... to be more effective? Self evaluation is always a good starting point if you want to improve yourself in work and personal context. There is nothing wrong with a long hard critical look at yourself in the mirror. It can perhaps give you a fright but will not harm you – it can be the starting point for personal change. But it must not stop here. Because we all know that you have three selves:

- - the one you think you are

- - the one others think you are

- - and the one you really are ...

... you must also ask the above questions to a number of significant others to save you from being caught up in your own subjective perspective.

I was sitting earlier today with an executive coaching client, and shared in his very honest moment of answering these questions for himself. Afterwards he emailed the questions to his CEO, his coleagues on his level and to one or two trusted deputies.

We are awaiting the answers but I am sure it will help him tremendously in getting a fuller picture of who he is and where he must change: His personal growth agenda for the year.

Why don’t you do it too?

These questions can obviously also be used for 360 degree feedback in teams.

Dr Gustav Gous is an Executive Coach rendering service to blue chip clients in Africa, Europe and the Middle East. www.gustavgous.co.za Follow him on Twitter: GustavGous and on Facebook and LinkedIn. gustav@gustavgous.co.za