Rumour has it … that gossip has been killed! The Art of killing gossip.
Our national sport is not rugby, soccer, football or cricket – it is
gossip. We all partake: You either (i) do it; (ii) don’t do it but enjoy it
privately; or (ii) felt the pain of gossip caused by others in your own life. This blog will give practical advice at the
end on how to handle gossip in these three situations.
You say: It’s harmless – what’s wrong with a bit of gossip
news? You say with Alice R. Longworth: ‘If you haven't got anything nice to say
about anybody … come sit next to me’ … and I will tell you a thing or two!
How would you feel if your medical doctor, psychologist, life
coach, local pastor, confession priest, best friend and confidant, has a secret
gossip problem – spilling the beans about your sexual habits/diseases and
deepest inner insecurities? Not nice anymore? I thought so. People start to dislike gossip, when
you gossip about them.
Remember the story about the 3 pastors/priests having a
confession session about their secret sins? Pastor 1. ‘I secretly obsess about other
women and even had a sexual relation with one of the parish members’. Pastor 2:
‘Mine is money - I have helped myself to the church offering money’. They
turned to the last one and asked: What is your secret sin? Pastor 3: ‘Gossip – and I can’t wait to get
out of here to tell everybody….!‘
You would rather have a coach or counsellor who will go to
the grave with all the incriminating things that he/she has heard over the
years, keeping confidentiality. (PS: One of the
greatest compliments I ever received as a life coach, was at a farewell
function after 9 years as the in-house counsellor for the petro-chemical
company Sasol: They said that in 9 years there was no breach of confidentiality
of any personal information shared in private counselling. In corporate counselling, the principle is
that only process information may be shared with HR or leadership, but no
content information.)
What is
gossip? It is sharing
selective information and half-truths about the behaviour and personal lives of
other people, in order to put other people in a bad light. Professional gossipers
master the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing
unsaid (Walter Winchell). Gossip is dangerous:
“It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless
or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin
the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole
world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.”
- James 3:5-6 in The Message (MSG). Perhaps it is true that gossip is carried by haters, spread by
fools, and accepted by idiots.
The difference between gossip and normal news or investigative
journalism is: Newspaper editors or Investigative Journalism TV editors take
their journalists through the rigorous discipline of verifying facts before they
go to press. They don’t want to lose money being sued for character defamation
or crimen injuria - a wilful injury
to someone's dignity. The gossiper doesn’t care about character defamation or
half-truths. They just spread the news and don’t mind causing hurt.
Why do
people gossip? Inquisitiveness?
Is it because people don’t have interesting lives themselves and focus on the
lives of others? Is it because people are insecure, so they point out flaws in
other people to make them feel good about themselves? Is it because they don’t
have courage to confront a person directly? Is it plain shallowness? Henry Thomas Buckle (not Eleanor Roosevelt)
said: “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds
discuss people.”
Let’s look at the 4
kinds of gossip and the reasons behind them.
1. 1. Negligent
gossip: Casual or unconstrained
conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details which
are not confirmed as true. Mindless, third-party conversation with loose lips and tongues on truths or
half-truths about a person not present. You negligently throw in all sorts of
unnecessary information to spice up the conversation and tint the character of
others: “Oh yes, Sandy, the one who got
pregnant before marriage’, or ‘Pete, after his extra marital affair, he started
a new job, at ..’.
2. 2. ‘Nose in
my business’ - gossip. Sometime you are tempted to tell the proverbial
town Gossip: Here is your nose – I found it in my business. We all live in neighbourhoods, surrounded by
voluntary spies, where news travels at the speed of boredom (Carlos Ruiz Zafón &
Jane Austen). This kind of gossip is conducted by people who don’t have lives of
their own, and they find the meaning of their existence to be voyeurs in, and broadcasters
of the lives of others. Gossip columns fit in here. Interesting that no
successful actor or sportsperson runs a gossip column on the secret lives of
famous people. They have a life and success of their own.
3. 3. ‘Character murder’ – gossip. This
type of gossip is when you have malicious intent to deliberately harm another
person with any bit of juicy truth or half-truth you can lay your hands on. The
intention is to throw mud on a reputation. It is the dangerous type because the
purpose is to commit character murder.
4. 4. Full-blown planned political plotters of planned misinformation: The Propaganda
politico’s or character snipers. This is serious stuff. It is more than Goebbels-type War propaganda.
We know the first casualty in war, is the truth. But here the intention is to
eliminate political foes. It works according to a predictable pattern. Three
examples:
(i)
It was used in South Africa and Namibia during
the liberation struggle against inner competition inside the movement/political
party. Three to four people conspire and start spreading lies about a person.
‘We saw him with the enemy …”. The
rumour starts: You are a spy. Then you got killed in Quatro camp – one of the
notorious camps where so-called dissidents got ‘disciplined’. Purpose achieved:
Opponent eliminated. This pattern was graphically described twee weeks ago by
the Namibian author and political analyst, prof Diesho during a talk in
Windhoek.
(ii)
In the spy-vs-spy sage in South Africa, opponents
were found fabricating evidence (full emails fabricated and sent out in the
name of the other person to implicate the opponent). In other cases people in
the intelligence industry stand accused of using the state funded security
apparatus (intercepting emails and telephone calls, etc.), to try to uncover
‘dirt’ in the lives of opponents, to use against them.
(iii)
Another pattern was recently used against the
Public Protector in South Africa, advocate Thuli Madonsela: She gives
politicians a hard time unmasking their wrongdoings. They don’t like her and
have tried everything to discredit her, with no avail. The only thing left, is
the age old revolutionary trick of calling somebody counter-revolutionary and a spy. So, coincidentally, just before the elections, where her evidence
could have been damaging to the ruling party, an ‘anonymous’ source with a pseudo name, posted
on social media (such as Twitter) that she is actually a spy for the CIA. It
gets picked up by the media and the instigators are happy that they started a
run-away fire. She (the Public Protector) unmasks it, ‘nonsenses’ it with a
public statement, and put out the fire. Then the instigators persist and start
a commission of inquiry, trying to paralyze the person and distract attention
from what she is saying against the wrongdoers. Then the ‘disciplinary action’ either
disappears in history without outcome, or the perpetrators persist, and will
even fabricate more information to cast a shadow of doubt over their foe, in
this case the legal Public Protector in South Africa, tasked to protect us
against the wrongdoings and the abuse of power by people and politicians who
think they are above the law.
Once you see the pattern, it becomes
predictable, and almost boring (and laughable, if it were not so serious), if
you see it being repeated all the time.
Here is another message for you from The Message (MSG): “You have minds like a snake pit! How do you
suppose what you say is worth anything when you are so foul-minded? It’s your
heart, not the dictionary, that gives meaning to your words. A good person produces
good deeds and words season after season. An evil person is a blight on the
orchard. Let me tell you something: Every one of these careless words is going
to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are
powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your
damnation.” Matthew 12:34-37 in ‘The
Message’ (MSG) translation of the Bible. A person of faith believes there is a
higher authority that even Kings and presidents must account to. If only they
knew that.
George Harrison sings that “Gossip is the Devil’s radio” because
twisted truth and knavish speech is the hallmark of the devil.
“Gossip, gossip, I heard it in the night, Words
that thoughtless speak, Like vultures swooping down below, On the devil's radio
….That soul betraying so and so , The devil's radio … Pollution of the highest degree .. Like a weed it's spread, 'till nothing
else has space to grow, The devil's radio.
Oh yeah, I heard you on the
secret wireless, Gossip, oh yeah You
know the devil's radio ..”
The message is: The tongue must be controlled: ‘Those who consider themselves religious and
yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their
religion is worthless.’ James 1:26 New International Version.
Practical
advice:
Let’s get
practical. What are we to do in the following three situations:
1. If you gossip yourself, 2. If they gossip about
you, 3. If they gossip in your ear?
Here is a practical
plan against gossip, even a plan to
kill gossip and stop it in its tracks.
1. 1. If
you do it – stop it.
- · Get a life. Stop talking about the lives of others. Perhaps you will achieve more in life working yourself up instead of pulling others down. “Isn't it kind of silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up?” –according to Sean Covey, in The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens.
- · People see through you: They know you can tell more about a person by what that say about others than you can by what others say about them. (Audrey Hepburn)
- · Marie Curie, the first women to win the Nobel Prize and only woman to win twice, said: “Be less curious about people and more curious about ideas.” She did the pioneering research on radioactivity and brought us X-rays. The more time you focus on other people – the less time you have to focus on achieving your own goals.
- · If you are really inquisitive - channel your energy in the right way. Become a scientist or investigative journalist – we need more of these.
- · And for the “Propaganda politico’s / character snipers”. Sorry :( – we’ve seen through you and know your ways. If you don’t change, we will reject both you and your methods at the next polls.
2. 2. If
they gossip about you – reframe it, confront it, ignore it, outlive it
If you
experience it and is on the receiving side of gossip, you can:
- · Reframe it: See it as a compliment and entertainment: Oscar Wilde said: “If there is anything more annoying in the world than having people talk about you, it is certainly having no one talk about you.” Thank those who gossip about you for making you the centre of their world. It is sometimes fun to give boring people something to discuss. Gossip can also be entertaining: Occasionally you hear the most fascinating things about yourself you never knew. Also recognise the jealousy of others: Those who gossip behind your back are behind you for a reason.
- · Confront it: Immediately confront the person, summons them to repeat what they have said in front of witnesses. Challenge them to bring provide proof. Immediate action will kill most of all gossip uttered in its tracks.
- · Ignore it: Sometime it is so ridiculous that you must just ignore it. Reacting to it can just perpetuate the story. Don’t spend all your time to manage your public persona - the view others have of you. “Reputation is what others think of us; character is what God knows of us”.
- · Outlive it: First of all: Live a life that prevents gossip. Live clean and make it impossible for people to get anything on you. Live in such a way that even if people throw dirt, that it will not stick. - Will Rogers said: “Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.” Secondly: When they really go after you: Then outlive it. Deeds speak louder than words. Live above it. Truth always finds a way to reveal itself. Keep your cool – if they deal in lies – don’t do the same. Don’t descend to their level.
- · Protect yourself legally: If you are in the middle of an political onslaught or a personal vendetta against you: : Be aware, and protect yourself legally where possible – even get an interdict if necessary.
- · And lastly: Live preventative: Do not entrust information to people who cannot handle it.
What if you
are really guilty and every word of
gossip about you is true? Then change your ways, and do not try to kill the
messenger as current politicians in South Africa try to do. Focus on changing
your ways – not zipping the mouths of people or muzzling the press. Like the
ridiculous law Robert Mugabe got passed in neighbouring Zimbabwe – believe it
or not - that nobody is allowed to criticize the president.
3. If
they gossip in your ear - be careful, test
it, stop them, walk away, let it die
with you, and dis-associate
What if people
come to you to gossip about others?
·
Be careful:
Be wary: He/she who gossips to you will gossip of you. Tell them your
policy is to talk to people – not about people.
·
Test it:
Ask them if the information is verified? Is it true, is it necessary, is
it kind? If not urge them to only share necessary verified information. There
are two sides to every story. Try to see both .
·
Stop them: If they say: “I do not want to gossip,
but …” then stop them and say, I am glad you don’t want to gossip. The best way
to kill gossip is to turn a deaf ear.
·
Walk away: Sometimes you must walk away. Don’t
silently concede – then you are part of it and perpetuate it.
·
Let it die with you:
Gossip dies when it reaches a
wise person’s ear. Mercedes Lackey said; ‘It's only gossip if you repeat it.
Until then, it's gathering information.’ Then sift through the information and reserve
judgement. If you don’t see it or hear it first-hand, or test it to be the
truth, then don’t share it.
·
Dis-associate: Don’t hang out with people who
gossip. This one is radical but it is the Biblical advice in 1 Corinthians 5:11
not even to associate with slanderers: “But
now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to
be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer,
a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.” (New International
Version).
-
My closing
advice: I have learned not to even
believe everything I think, and more so especially not everything I hear. Make this your motto, and you will kill
gossip in its tracks.
If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book dr Gustav Gous for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za
If you want interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931 or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities.
Disclaimer: Important notice to you as the reader: Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.
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Dr Gustav Gous is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He
was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.
He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore). Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for
international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans. gustav@gustavgous.co.za drgous@iafrica.com www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,
Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous or on Facebook and LinkedIn .
