How to find your lost temper. The art of anger management. Ten tips to tame your temper.

How to find your lost temper. The art of anger management. Ten suggestions.

1. Finding your lost temper fast.

It’s actually humorous how fast you can find a lost temper. Some say it is not possible.  They say: I cannot help myself,  it is my temperament, I am highly strung, it’s my culture (I’m Irish, Italian, Zulu or whatever) and by the way, it is your fault that I get angry.  It is you who cause me to lose my temper.

 I say: Nonsense! You are looking for excuses that don’t hold up.  You can find your lost temper faster than you can lose it. But only if you want to.  Let’s look at a few examples:

-          You are in a heated argument, lose your temper and you are SHOUTING. Your smartphone rings, and you see it is the person who wants to award you a million dollar contract.  You immediately ‘lose’ your lost temper and find your cool again and answer in a friendly professional voice: “Hello, …”

-          A married couple is in a heated argument, and both of them lost their tempers and are shouting.  They didn’t see that the pastor or priest that they respect very much, had just walked in. When they see him they both immediately change their tone: “Hello Pastor …”

-          You shout at one of your workers, and the woman/man who you just started dating and who you seriously want to impress, just walked in to pay a surprise visit, and, guess what: You miraculously find your lost temper again! Because you want to.

So don’t tell me that you are not in control. Your temper tantrum behaviour is just a sad excuse for a bad habit or mechanism that you have learned, repeated, perfected and got away with (thus far). You do it to intimidate people, to get your way or force your will with an emotional ‘blitzkrieg’ on others.  You think: Losing your temper is a sign of strength. Others know it is rather a sign of weakness.

2. Yellow and Red Cards:  It is a pity that there are no referees and yellow/red cards in work and love relationships. It would have kept so many people out of trouble and would keep relationships on track.

3. He who angers you conquers you. Lose your temper – lose your game  Vs  Master your anger - master your game.

-          * # In the Game of Sport: Sports people (Soccer and Rugby players in particular) know:  If you lose your temper – you lose your game.   Think Soccer world Cup Final, 2006: Ask French captain Zinedine Zidane, who head-butted Italian player Materazzi in a moment or anger in the final. Materazzi knew, that if he can anger Zidane by insulting his mother and sister, then he can destabilize him. And Zidane fell for it, got a red card and his absence caused his team to lose the World Cup.  

 One moment of madness, then a lifetime of sadness, losing him sponsorships and compromising a successful career. Zinedine Zidane knows now (but it is too late):  He who angers you conquers you. It is never too late though. Zinedine Zidane made a comeback to as a coach to coach Real Madrid to victory in the Uefa Cup!  In the Rugby World Cup,, all the coaches remind their players that ill-discipline in the department of anger management, can cost them the Cup.  

-          *# In the Game of Life:  But we all are playing in our own game - the final of the Game of Life.  The same rings true in the game of life: If you lose your temper, you can lose your game – be it the game of relationships, business, or even politics.  Anger must therefore be managed.

4. The art of anger management

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. These are the wise words of the philosopher Aristotle.  

4.1 To achieve this we must first understand the following about anger.

(i)                  Anger is normal, and has a rightful place:   Anger can be necessary and important. If your own or someone else’s rights have been infringed, you may rightly feel anger, and the need to correct the situation. Good-tempered people can do it in a good way.  Even the Bible gives you the right to be angry, but reminds you not to sin in the process. “BE ANGRY, and yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger” - Ephesians 4:26

(ii)                Anger is an emotion - that must be managed:  All feelings, including anger are like wild horses.  If you cannot hold your horses, they will throw you off, and hurt others. You need to master your emotion and do not let it master your reason. Good temper should govern anger, not the other way round.

(iii)               Anger is a suitcase emotion - it is often a cover-up for other feelings.  Anger is a container for other emotions. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability? So be aware what is beneath.   

(iv)              Anger is not unethical, but what you DO with anger can be right or wrong. It is the actions that follows the feeling of anger that can be right or wrong, and can be ethically judged.  Let’s have a look at the following actions and how they are judged by wise philosophers, famous people and the Bible:     

•   Revenge – try to get even:  Douglas Horton said: ‘While seeking revenge, dig two graves - one for yourself.’  Dick Armey said:  ‘You cannot get ahead while you are getting even.’  Romans 12:19-21 says:  ‘Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay," says the Lord. … Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.’
•   Cursing and abusive words:   An ill tongue loves an angry heart, because then it can lash out and cut others in pieces. The Bible has the following to say: “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.” - Colossians 3:8.
•   Losing your temper:    “He who is slow to anger has great understanding.  But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” - Proverbs 14:29. “Ferocious anger belongs to beasts”. – Ovid.
•   Outbursts:  “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute” -  Proverbs 15:18
•   Shoot a person in rage or road rage: It is common sense: Guess who is going to sit in jail? The person who you were angry with, may be dead – but you lost your freedom mate. You will be the one in jail.
•   Hit or head but a person on the sports field: More common sense: You will be the one with the yellow or red card in the sin bin.
•   Harbouring hatred:  Albert Einstein  said: Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. According to Mark Twain, anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.  Attributed to Buddha: ‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.’     
•   Stir it up or Indulge  anger:  ‘Indulge not thyself in the passion of anger; it is whetting a sword to wound thine own breast, or murder thy friend.’  –Akhenaton . ‘Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you're doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you.’  -Joel Osteen.  Psalm 37:8-9: Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
•  Throw a temper tantrum: Bruce Lee said: ‘A quick temper makes a fool of you soon enough’.
•  Quarrel:  Bob Marley:  ‘If you get down and quarrel every day, you're saying prayers to the devil, I say.’

If the above actions are destructive, what then must I do with anger? 

4.2 What must I do with anger?  There are three things:   You can ..

(a) Express it  - constructively  - not destructively.  If frustration or anger build up for too long, you will explode .  According to Wayne Dyer there's nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively.  Expressing it is not an excuse to let it rip, nor a licence to hurt. It is not slinging insults, under the disguise that I am honest. It is not hitting a holes in the door.  It is being cool, calm and collected.  

 (b) Suppress it   - strategically – not permanently.   If you permanently suppress anger, you just create a bigger explosion later.  Suppressed anger will pop out in the form of sarcasm, and ridicule. One can suppress anger momentarily to buy time to think.

(c)  Employ, deploy and direct it. The energy of anger must be redirected to a constructive purpose. Address the issue at hand, employ the passion and direct your anger on winning the game, not focusing on the person.  Be angry with the sins, not the sinners.  Norman Schwarzkopf said:  “I get angry at a principle, not a person.” 

5. Here are 10 tips on anger management - to tame your temper

Pre-work for anger management:

1.       1. Cultivate a strong sense of self-worth. It is the foundation of anger management. With a strong self-worth you will not be over-sensitive.  A giant is not easily offended.  If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size and stature?

Core skills for anger management:

2.       2. Recognize anger as normal feeling and recognize it as energy that can be channelled.         Emotions makes us passionate and gives us energy and motion ('e-motion'). But also be wise: Be aware of which situations are the triggering experiences for your anger. Also recognize the signs when things are going to boil over - red in the neck,  feeling of heat in the head, etc . 

3.       3. Break the anger cycle.   All anger problems start when you go straight from feeling to action. To break the short circuit from feeling to action, you can do the following

3.1   Master simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery and stretching exercises.   Breathe slowly :  Inhale for 3 seconds, hold your breath for 3 seconds, Exhale for 3 seconds. Repeat. It  can help calm down angry feelings.  

3.2   Take time out.  Step  temporarily out of the situation. The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk. At first absence of body is better than presence of mind. First get yourself out of the situation and under control.  Count to 10, better still to 100 before you do anything.   Interrupt the anger cycle:  Do not entertain it, feed it, indulge in it, grow it, blow it up, or  throw petrol on the fire. Put yourself voluntarily in the cooler box (off the field in Rugby) . Use physical distraction: Walk to the fridge: There is nothing like drinking a glass of cold water to distract you - it sobers you up a clears your mind.  

3.3   Use the time to deflect.   Deflect the rock-fall of emotion before it gains momentum, and think differently.  Example: "This old man with his dog in his old car is blocking my road!" . Deflect by thinking differently: "This old man is doesn't have much money, he is driving and old car and he is taking his only friend left in life - his dog - to the vet."   Use the time to hold your horses: Power is nothing without control. 

3.4   Use the time to reflect (think differently) Ask yourself what really lies underneath your anger, and pinpoint your real feelings.  Spend time on empathy to understand where the other person is coming from. Think differently before you speak and act. Discuss the issue with people you respect. 

4.       4. Verbalize your anger.   Always write angry letters to your enemies.  – just don’t mail them, and emails – just don’t push the send button. Keep them in draft mode.  It is the best way to take control of your emotions.

5.       5. Use humour to break the tension.   See it from a viewpoint of sitting on the rofo and looking down on the two of you quarreling. What funny two people.  angry l

6.       6. Choose your battles. Only go into battle for what is really important.

7.       7. Be assertive, and have a problem-solve mindset.   Change your attitude from wanting to win all the time, to go for the double win.  Why not be creative and find a way for both.

8.       8. Know when to let go.  Why persist if in the bigger scheme of things, this is not so important. Ask yourself: How big will this issue be in 5 years from now if you look back at it. 

Applied Skills

9.      9.  Plan difficult conversations.  Plan your words and angle before difficult conversations.

Preventative Skills

10.   10. Be aware of what triggers you and get strategies to keep these triggers from tipping you over the edge in future. also go for coaching and counselling to sort the undercurrents in your life and to get rid of the emotional baggage from the past - that so often trips you in the present. 

Use it (this list), or lose it (your temper and relationship/work). Remember: He who angers you conquers you.   You will not be punished FOR your anger,  you will be punished BY your anger. So the choice is: Lose your temper - lose your game! But the opposite is also true:  Master your anger – master your game! Cool heads - cool life!

For and audio CD on emotional intelligence:   Go to : 

https://gustavgousonline.com/collections/audio-files/products/emotional-and-leadership-intelligence 

If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book dr Gustav Gous for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 

If you want  interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931   or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Disclaimer:    Important notice to you as the reader:  Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.  

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com  www.gustavgousonline.com    www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .

Emotions can make or break you: From Zinedine Zidane to Oscar Pistorius. EQ as foundation of Personal and Business Success

Emotions Can Make Or Break You:  From Zinedine Zidane to Oscar Pistorius. EQ as foundation of personal and business success (Radically Revised version of an article that Appeared in  the Financial Mail: FM Mail Essentials 2013)
by dr Gustav Gous The other day I spoke to a prominent church leader who said they do not invite  any celebrities anymore to come a speak to their congregation, witnessing to  their faith.  Reason why? Because, he said, there are so few who can handle  the fame, that many celebrities are just moments away from a fall. One moment  you put them forward as an example how to live, and the next moment you have  to do damage control. Their is some truth in this because the examples of  celebrities self-destructing are too numerous to ignore. I started to wonder  what are the root causes why celebrities very often build themselves up, but  then later on, pull themselves down again. One answer can be that they do not have the strong foundation needed to be able to carry the weight of fame. You need a serious dose of emotional intelligence to be able to handle the world of fame when you are on top of your game.  But emotional intelligence is also needed just to handle normal daily life. In this blog I state that one root cause for the downfall of many (celebrities and people like you and me) is emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof. Let's revisit and analyse two incidents the recent and not so recent past involving Zinedine Zidane (the French soccer player) and Oscar Pistoius - the Bladerunner, who became the 'Bladegunner' after shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.  Let's do it with the purpose, not to judge any person but  to learn from their pain.   In my previous blog on ‘How to make sense out of a senseless killing’, I  propagated that some things are utterly meaningless but that you can create  meaning out of anything. But then only if you do not stay in shock about the  situation, or get stuck in wasteful voyeurism following every court procedure  and tweet about another dark secret, but ask the better question: What now?   And what can we learn from this? Only then can some sense flow from  horrendous tragedies.  Perhaps the most important take-away from the Zidane and Pretorius sages is that all of us must be reminded to master our emotions. Emotions must work for you – not against you. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is ‘about Feel – Think – Act’.  Importantly In that sequence. It is about thinking before you act. My psychologist  father’s voice echoes in my ear: “Think before you act Gustav”. When I applied that advice – my life went well. All the problems that I encountered in life, was a result of me ignoring that instruction. I coined  the EQ Mercedes Principle to honour his advice and use in Emotional Intelligence workshops. When you short circuit directly from’ feelings to actions’ – then the sparks fly. Road rage is about: I feel threatened and I pull out my gun out and shoot.  A few years ago a South African petro-chemical company (Sasol) requested me to do a series of Emotional Intelligence interventions in a business unit after a foreman was shot when delivering a disciplinary note to an employee. The worker felt threatened and emptied the magazine of his gun on the foreman. He went directly from ‘feel’ to ‘act’. Cold blooded murder is when you even have time to think (even only for a short few seconds or minutes), but that you don’t think straight: You choose to stick to the wrong or immoral or destructive option. In Oscar’s case both scenarios from his (1) defense team and (2) from the prosecuting authority’s side, points to the short circuiting from feeling to action. 1. I felt threatened  and I shot through the door without seeing the burglar at any time 2. Or the state would like to prove that it was some form of domestic violence: He felt angry about something and shot her in rage. Both ways he is in trouble – just the depth varies. A cool head doesn’t shoot easily.  In both scenarios he went straight from feelings to action. And if the state can prove their point and prove that there was time to think, then it was premeditated murder. It is obvious that Oscar’s situation must remind us all to master your emotions. Without emotional intelligence you can ruin your life (and the lives of others) in a split second. Handling  adversity (overcoming a disability and becoming an Olympic Champion) is great, but being able to handle your emotions and control your temper is an even greater achievement.  Ask Zinedine Zidane, who head-butted Materazzi in a moment or anger in the 2006 Soccer World Cup final. One moment off madness, then a lifetime of sadness, losing sponsorships and compromising a successful career. You can have all the talents and intelligences in the world, but you haven’t mastered life if you cannot take control of your emotions. But it is not about Oscar or any other international soccer star from the past who made mistakes. Rather ask yourself: Am I in control of my emotions or do my emotions control me? Too many people use their personality types as an excuse, or claim ‘temporary insanity’ to limit their responsibility in a case.  My point is: There are many people who discovered their girlfriends had other loyalties, and didn’t shoot them. Or had heated arguments, but didn’t resort to domestic violence, or suspected that there were burglars in the house, but didn’t shoot erratically. or had people insulting their sisters and mothers, but didn't head-butted them. Why? Because they could hold their horses when they had to. They are not loose cannons.  Any motorcar driver knows: Power is nothing without control. If you have strong emotions like a sports car - it is your responsibility to go for advanced driving lessons or anger management classes. Emotional intelligence is about self motivation and self regulation - to let your horses (energy) run. Sports people are highly motivated. They follow the Nike add: Just do it. But it is also about self-regulation: To hold your horses when you have to. One tweet recently stated: "Nike should have told their athletes (Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Oscar Pistorius): 'Just don't do it'." Emotional control is to be able to hold back - not to do it when you shouldn't. There are no excuses: Anybody can control their emotions. Have you seen a person aggressively arguing with another and his phone rings with an urgent call from his most important sponsor? In a split second the tone changes when he answers the phone in a professional and controlled manner. So do not claim temporary insanity when you are pressurised. Why can other people in similar situations handle their emotions and you can’t?  The call to action is: Master your emotions because sustainable success is based on emotional intelligence. How? A full blown seminar or course is needed - a blog can just point out the need. (Feel free to contact me or any other service provider in the field.) Without that (emotional intelligence training as a basis or foundation for all the other intelligences), you can scuttle your other intelligences/talents. Emotional Intelligence the foundation of Diversity Intelligence:  Emotional intelligence is also the foundation or corner stone for all your other intelligences but especially Diversity intelligence.  Any encounter with somebody that differs from yourself gives rise to strong emotions in your inner being.  Most people handle it through aggression, labeling, racist or sexist jokes.  If you have the ability to handle your initial emotions in a diversity situation, you are free to explore options to creatively deal with it. Let’s use the Zinedine Zidane example and Oscar Pistorius case to reflect on ourselves. Control what is within our control - especially our emotions. In applying emotional intelligence, our relationships, businesses, South Africa and the world, will be a better place. Dr Gustav Gous (CSP) is an International Motivational Speaker and  Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he  was the in-house councillor for the petro-chemical company Sasol  for 9 years.  He is known for his Transformational leadership  programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.  He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President  of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a  member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).   Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute,  specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for  international companies.   www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com , www.diversityconference.co.za    Gustav@gustavgous.co.za     Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .