How to find your lost temper. The art
of anger management. Ten suggestions.
1. Finding your lost
temper fast.
It’s actually humorous how fast you can find a lost temper.
Some say it is not possible. They say: I
cannot help myself, it is my temperament,
I am highly strung, it’s my culture (I’m Irish, Italian, Zulu or whatever) and
by the way, it is your fault that I get angry.
It is you who cause me to lose my temper.
I say: Nonsense! You
are looking for excuses that don’t hold up. You can find your lost temper faster than you can
lose it. But only if you want to. Let’s
look at a few examples:
-
You are in a heated argument, lose your temper
and you are SHOUTING. Your smartphone rings, and you see it is the person who
wants to award you a million dollar contract.
You immediately ‘lose’ your lost temper and find your cool again and
answer in a friendly professional voice: “Hello, …”
-
A married couple is in a heated argument, and
both of them lost their tempers and are shouting. They didn’t see that the pastor or priest that
they respect very much, had just walked in. When they see him they both
immediately change their tone: “Hello Pastor …”
-
You shout at one of your workers, and the woman/man
who you just started dating and who you seriously want to impress, just walked
in to pay a surprise visit, and, guess what: You miraculously find your lost
temper again! Because you want to.
So don’t tell me that you are not in control. Your temper
tantrum behaviour is just a sad excuse for a bad habit or mechanism that you
have learned, repeated, perfected and got away with (thus far). You do it to
intimidate people, to get your way or force your will with an emotional
‘blitzkrieg’ on others. You think:
Losing your temper is a sign of strength. Others know it is rather a sign of
weakness.
2. Yellow and Red
Cards: It is a pity that there are
no referees and yellow/red cards in work and love relationships. It would have
kept so many people out of trouble and would keep relationships on track.
3. He who angers you
conquers you. Lose your temper – lose your game
Vs Master your anger - master
your game.
- * # In the
Game of Sport: Sports people (Soccer and Rugby players in particular)
know: If you lose your temper – you lose
your game. Think Soccer world Cup Final,
2006: Ask French captain Zinedine Zidane, who head-butted Italian player Materazzi
in a moment or anger in the final. Materazzi knew, that if he can anger Zidane
by insulting his mother and sister, then he can destabilize him. And Zidane
fell for it, got a red card and his absence caused his team to lose the World Cup.
One moment of madness, then a lifetime of sadness, losing him sponsorships and compromising a
successful career. Zinedine Zidane
knows now (but it is too late): He who
angers you conquers you. It is never too late though. Zinedine Zidane made a comeback to as a coach to coach Real Madrid to victory in the Uefa Cup! In the Rugby World Cup,, all the
coaches remind their players that ill-discipline in the department of anger
management, can cost them the Cup.
- *# In the
Game of Life: But we all are
playing in our own game - the final of
the Game of Life. The same rings
true in the game of life: If you lose your temper, you can lose your game – be it
the game of relationships, business, or even politics. Anger must therefore be managed.
4. The art of anger
management
Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry
with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within
everybody's power and is not easy. These are the wise words of the philosopher Aristotle.
4.1 To achieve this
we must first understand the following about anger.
(i)
Anger is normal, and has a rightful place: Anger
can be necessary and important. If your own or someone else’s rights have been
infringed, you may rightly feel anger, and the need to correct the situation.
Good-tempered people can do it in a good way. Even the Bible gives you the right to be
angry, but reminds you not to sin in the process. “BE ANGRY, and yet DO NOT
SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger” - Ephesians 4:26
(ii)
Anger is an emotion - that must be managed: All feelings, including anger are like wild
horses. If you cannot hold your horses,
they will throw you off, and hurt others. You need to master your emotion and
do not let it master your reason. Good temper should govern anger, not the
other way round.
(iii)
Anger is a suitcase emotion - it is often a
cover-up for other feelings. Anger
is a container for other emotions. Are you truly angry? Or is your anger
masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or
vulnerability? So be aware what is beneath.
(iv)
Anger is not unethical, but what you DO with
anger can be right or wrong. It is the
actions that follows the feeling of anger that can be right or wrong, and can
be ethically judged. Let’s have a look at
the following actions and how they are judged by wise philosophers, famous people
and the Bible:
- Revenge – try to get even: Douglas Horton said: ‘While seeking revenge, dig two graves - one for yourself.’ Dick Armey said: ‘You cannot get ahead while you are getting even.’ Romans 12:19-21 says: ‘Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay," says the Lord. … Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.’
- Cursing and abusive words: An ill tongue loves an angry heart, because then it can lash out and cut others in pieces. The Bible has the following to say: “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.” - Colossians 3:8.
- Losing your temper: “He who is slow to anger has great understanding. But he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.” - Proverbs 14:29. “Ferocious anger belongs to beasts”. – Ovid.
- Outbursts: “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute” - Proverbs 15:18
- Shoot a person in rage or road rage: It is common sense: Guess who is going to sit in jail? The person who you were angry with, may be dead – but you lost your freedom mate. You will be the one in jail.
- Hit or head but a person on the sports field: More common sense: You will be the one with the yellow or red card in the sin bin.
- Harbouring hatred: Albert Einstein said: Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. According to Mark Twain, anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. Attributed to Buddha: ‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.’
- Stir it up or Indulge anger: ‘Indulge not thyself in the passion of anger; it is whetting a sword to wound thine own breast, or murder thy friend.’ –Akhenaton . ‘Every day we have plenty of opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you're doing when you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you.’ -Joel Osteen. Psalm 37:8-9: Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
- Throw a temper tantrum: Bruce Lee said: ‘A quick temper makes a fool of you soon enough’.
- Quarrel: Bob Marley: ‘If you get down and quarrel every day, you're saying prayers to the devil, I say.’
4.2 What must I do
with anger? There are three things: You can ..
(a) Express it -
constructively - not destructively. If frustration or anger build up for too long,
you will explode . According to Wayne
Dyer there's nothing wrong with anger provided you use it constructively. Expressing it is not an excuse to let it rip,
nor a licence to hurt. It is not slinging insults, under the disguise that I am
honest. It is not hitting a holes in the door. It is being cool, calm and collected.
(b) Suppress it -
strategically – not permanently. If
you permanently suppress anger, you
just create a bigger explosion later.
Suppressed anger will pop out in the form of sarcasm, and ridicule. One
can suppress anger momentarily to buy time to think.
(c) Employ, deploy and direct it. The energy
of anger must be redirected to a constructive purpose. Address the issue at
hand, employ the passion and direct your anger on winning the game, not
focusing on the person. Be angry with
the sins, not the sinners. Norman
Schwarzkopf said: “I get angry at a
principle, not a person.”
5. Here are 10 tips on
anger management - to tame your temper
Pre-work for anger management:
1. 1. Cultivate a strong sense of self-worth.
It is the foundation of anger management. With a strong self-worth you will not
be over-sensitive. A giant is not easily
offended. If a small thing has the power
to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size and stature?
Core skills for anger
management:
2. 2. Recognize anger as normal feeling and recognize
it as energy that can be channelled. Emotions makes us passionate and gives us energy and motion ('e-motion'). But also be wise: Be aware of which situations are the triggering experiences for your anger. Also recognize the signs when things are going to boil over - red in the neck, feeling of heat in the head, etc .
3. 3. Break
the anger cycle. All anger problems start when you go straight from feeling to action. To break the
short circuit from feeling to action, you can do the following
3.1 Master simple relaxation tools,
such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery and stretching exercises. Breathe slowly : Inhale for 3 seconds, hold your breath for 3
seconds, Exhale for 3 seconds. Repeat. It can help calm down angry feelings.
3.2 Take time out. Step temporarily out of the situation. The best remedy for a short temper is a long
walk. At first absence of body is better than presence of mind. First get yourself out of the situation and under control. Count to 10, better still to 100 before you do anything. Interrupt the anger cycle: Do not entertain it, feed it, indulge in it,
grow it, blow it up, or throw petrol on
the fire. Put yourself voluntarily in the cooler box (off the field in Rugby) . Use physical distraction: Walk to the fridge: There is nothing like drinking a glass of cold water to distract you - it sobers you up a clears your mind.
3.3 Use the time to deflect. Deflect
the rock-fall of emotion before it gains momentum, and think differently. Example: "This old man with his dog in his old car is blocking my road!" . Deflect by thinking differently: "This old man is doesn't have much money, he is driving and old car and he is taking his only friend left in life - his dog - to the vet." Use the time to hold your horses: Power is nothing without control.
3.4 Use the time to reflect (think
differently) Ask yourself what really lies underneath your anger, and
pinpoint your real feelings. Spend time
on empathy to understand where the other person is coming from. Think
differently before you speak and act. Discuss the issue with people you respect.
4. 4. Verbalize
your anger. Always write angry
letters to your enemies. – just don’t mail
them, and emails – just don’t push the send button. Keep them in draft
mode. It is the best way to take control of your emotions.
5. 5. Use humour to break the tension. See it from a viewpoint of sitting on the rofo and looking down on the two of you quarreling. What funny two people. angry l
6. 6. Choose your battles. Only go into battle
for what is really important.
7. 7. Be assertive, and have a problem-solve mindset.
8. 8. Know
when to let go.
Applied Skills
9. 9. Plan difficult conversations. Plan your words and angle before
difficult conversations.
Preventative Skills
10. 10. Be aware of what triggers you and get strategies to keep these triggers from
tipping you over the edge in future. also go for coaching and counselling to sort the undercurrents in your life and to get rid of the emotional baggage from the past - that so often trips you in the present.
Use it (this list), or lose it (your temper and
relationship/work). Remember: He who angers you conquers you. You will not be punished FOR your anger, you will be punished BY your anger. So the choice is: Lose your temper - lose your game! But the opposite
is also true: Master your anger – master
your game! Cool heads - cool life!
Disclaimer: Important notice to you as the reader: Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.
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Disclaimer: Important notice to you as the reader: Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.
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Dr Gustav Gous is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He
was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.
He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore). Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for
international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans. gustav@gustavgous.co.za drgous@iafrica.com www.gustavgousonline.com www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,
Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous or on Facebook and LinkedIn .
