The other day I spoke to a prominent church leader who said they do not invite
any celebrities anymore to come a speak to their congregation, witnessing to
their faith. Reason why? Because, he said, there are so few who can handle
the fame, that many celebrities are just moments away from a fall. One moment
you put them forward as an example how to live, and the next moment you have
to do damage control. Their is some truth in this because the examples of
celebrities self-destructing are too numerous to ignore. I started to wonder
what are the root causes why celebrities very often build themselves up, but
then later on, pull themselves down again.
One answer can be that they do not have the strong foundation needed to be
able to carry the weight of fame. You need a serious dose of emotional
intelligence to be able to handle the world of fame when you are on top of your
game. But emotional intelligence is also needed just to handle normal daily life.
In this blog I state that one root cause for the downfall of many (celebrities and
people like you and me) is emotional intelligence, or the lack thereof.
Let's revisit and analyse two incidents the recent and not so recent past involving
Zinedine Zidane (the French soccer player) and Oscar Pistoius - the Bladerunner,
who became the 'Bladegunner' after shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.
Let's do it with the purpose, not to judge any person but to learn from their pain.
In my previous blog on ‘How to make sense out of a senseless killing’, I
propagated that some things are utterly meaningless but that you can create
meaning out of anything. But then only if you do not stay in shock about the
situation, or get stuck in wasteful voyeurism following every court procedure
and tweet about another dark secret, but ask the better question: What now?
And what can we learn from this? Only then can some sense flow from
horrendous tragedies.
Perhaps the most important take-away from the Zidane and Pretorius sages
is that all of us must be reminded to master our emotions. Emotions must
work for you – not against you. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is ‘about
Feel – Think – Act’. Importantly In that sequence. It is about thinking before
you act. My psychologist father’s voice echoes in my ear: “Think before you
act Gustav”. When I applied that advice – my life went well. All the problems
that I encountered in life, was a result of me ignoring that instruction. I coined
the EQ Mercedes Principle to honour his advice and use in Emotional
Intelligence workshops.
When you short circuit directly from’ feelings to actions’ – then the sparks fly.
Road rage is about: I feel threatened and I pull out my gun out and shoot.
A few years ago a South African petro-chemical company (Sasol) requested
me to do a series of Emotional Intelligence interventions in a business unit
after a foreman was shot when delivering a disciplinary note to an employee.
The worker felt threatened and emptied the magazine of his gun on the foreman.
He went directly from ‘feel’ to ‘act’. Cold blooded murder is when you even
have time to think (even only for a short few seconds or minutes), but that
you don’t think straight: You choose to stick to the wrong or immoral or
destructive option.
In Oscar’s case both scenarios from his (1) defense team and (2) from the
prosecuting authority’s side, points to the short circuiting from feeling to
action. 1. I felt threatened and I shot through the door without seeing the
burglar at any time 2. Or the state would like to prove that it was some form
of domestic violence: He felt angry about something and shot her in rage.
Both ways he is in trouble – just the depth varies. A cool head doesn’t
shoot easily. In both scenarios he went straight from feelings to action.
And if the state can prove their point and prove that there was time to think,
then it was premeditated murder.
It is obvious that Oscar’s situation must remind us all to master your
emotions. Without emotional intelligence you can ruin your life (and
the lives of others) in a split second. Handling adversity (overcoming a
disability and becoming an Olympic Champion) is great, but being able
to handle your emotions and control your temper is an even greater
achievement. Ask Zinedine Zidane, who head-butted Materazzi in a
moment or anger in the 2006 Soccer World Cup final. One moment
off madness, then a lifetime of sadness, losing sponsorships and
compromising a successful career. You can have all the talents and
intelligences in the world, but you haven’t mastered life if you cannot
take control of your emotions.
But it is not about Oscar or any other international soccer star from the
past who made mistakes. Rather ask yourself: Am I in control of my
emotions or do my emotions control me? Too many people use their
personality types as an excuse, or claim ‘temporary insanity’ to limit their
responsibility in a case. My point is: There are many people who
discovered their girlfriends had other loyalties, and didn’t shoot them.
Or had heated arguments, but didn’t resort to domestic violence, or
suspected that there were burglars in the house, but didn’t shoot
erratically. or had people insulting their sisters and mothers, but
didn't head-butted them. Why? Because they could hold their horses
when they had to. They are not loose cannons. Any motorcar driver
knows: Power is nothing without control. If you have strong emotions
like a sports car - it is your responsibility to go for advanced driving
lessons or anger management classes.
Emotional intelligence is about self motivation and self regulation - to
let your horses (energy) run. Sports people are highly motivated. They
follow the Nike add: Just do it. But it is also about self-regulation: To hold
your horses when you have to. One tweet recently stated: "Nike should
have told their athletes (Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, Oscar Pistorius):
'Just don't do it'." Emotional control is to be able to hold back - not to do
it when you shouldn't.
There are no excuses: Anybody can control their emotions. Have you
seen a person aggressively arguing with another and his phone rings
with an urgent call from his most important sponsor? In a split second
the tone changes when he answers the phone in a professional and
controlled manner. So do not claim temporary insanity when you are
pressurised. Why can other people in similar situations handle their
emotions and you can’t? The call to action is: Master your emotions
because sustainable success is based on emotional intelligence.
How? A full blown seminar or course is needed - a blog can just point
out the need. (Feel free to contact me or any other service provider in
the field.) Without that (emotional intelligence training as a basis or
foundation for all the other intelligences), you can scuttle your other
intelligences/talents.
Emotional Intelligence the foundation of Diversity Intelligence:
Emotional intelligence is also the foundation or corner stone for all your
other intelligences but especially Diversity intelligence. Any encounter
with somebody that differs from yourself gives rise to strong emotions
in your inner being. Most people handle it through aggression, labeling,
racist or sexist jokes. If you have the ability to handle your initial emotions
in a diversity situation, you are free to explore options to creatively deal
with it.
Let’s use the Zinedine Zidane example and Oscar Pistorius case to
reflect on ourselves. Control what is within our control - especially our
emotions. In applying emotional intelligence, our relationships,
businesses, South Africa and the world, will be a better place.
Dr Gustav Gous (CSP) is an International Motivational Speaker and
Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he
was the in-house councillor for the petro-chemical company Sasol
for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership
programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.
He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President
of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a
member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).
Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute,
specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for
Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous or on Facebook and LinkedIn .
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