Conflict: Turn destructive tension into creative tension

Conflict: Turn destructive tension into creative tension

Let’s  be honest. We all bear the scars of destructive conflict in our lives, families and even countries. If we all knew how to handle conflict better, then our lives would have been better. But it is never too late to learn.

Conflict is usually about (i) Territory, resources, positions and property, or (ii) values and what we perceive as the truth.  This is the main cause for wars: Boardroom wars, the war between marriage partners, family feuds, ethnic tension,  and blatant aggressive expansionism.  The problem with war is that it doesn’t determine who is right, it only determines who is left. You can be the casualty in the conflict.

The destructive option of war is not the only option to handle conflict. Many people try to avoid conflict. But both miss out on the other creative options to handle conflict.  

In 1974 already Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann identified 5 different styles to approach conflict in their Thomas–Kilmann Conflict Mode instrument – the most well-known psychometric instrument in the field: 

1.     Competing:   I win – you lose  

2.     Accommodating: I lose - you win

3.     Avoiding: I’m out of here. Instead of presence of mind in the situation, they prefer absence of body!

4.     Compromising:  The 50/50 solution style. We each share 50% in the profit or loss.

5.     Collaborating: The 100%/100% solution. Lets work together to create a win/win situation.

  

Each of the five conflict-handling styles has it’s place:  If they threaten the life of my child, I will go against them in full force and compete, if a big bus heads in my direction I will try to avoid it, and if a person ask my money at gunpoint, I will let that person win to take it. But in normal circumstances the best option is obviously collaborating, and the second best, compromising.

Another way to see the options available to handle conflict, is by comparing Power and Involvement:

1.     Domination

2.     Capitulation

3.     Negotiation

4.     Collaboration

5.     Procrastination

The goal is not a conflict free world.  We need to go from destructive conflict, to creative conflict. Good ideas and true innovation need human interaction, conflict, argument and debate. 

Ronald Reagan said: Peace is not absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. Martin Luther King Jr  said: “Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”  Creative conflict handling is to find a way in love. 

The way to do it, is the same way we try to teach kindergarten children, if they quarrel about a toy: Teach them to …

(i)             SHARE 

(ii)            TAKE TURNS

(iii)           SWAP, etc 

and do it in a fair manner.

In the adult world we must, in a constructive process:

(i)             Identify the problem

(ii)            Listen to arguments and responses

(iii)           Develop and evaluate options

(iv)          Come to a resolution and agreement

(v)           Implement a fair deal and cement your learning

Where parties can’t achieve this by themselves, the option of arbitration and mediation is available. In sport you have controlled conflict with the referee as the person who must make sure that constructive conflict, does not deteriorate into destructive conflict.

Let me close with a practical example on how to deal with everyday conflict:

Your boss asks you to come and work on a Saturday – your free day. How do you react to that?

Don’t go directly against him/her. Or don’t give in gruntingly. Avoid the confrontational approach and try the following:

-       # Show understanding: “I know we have been exceptionally busy and that there is     backlog. I can see why you need me.”

-       # Stand up and speak out for yourself:  “ But, I have to tell you …”

-       # Give the reason for refusal:  “.. my daughter is having her birthday party on Saturday and it is very important for me to be there.”

-       # Say no:  “ So, I am sorry, but it would not be possible for me to be there on Saturday.

-       # Offer a compromise:  “If it can be of any help, I can work a bit overtime on Friday.”

In our personal relationships we also need conflict: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another”.  Proverbs 27:11 (NIV).  

Communication is the key. Avoid aggressiveness and submissiveness, and go for all the techniques of assertiveness – where you say ‘no’, where you have to and say ‘yes’ when you want to. Conflict resulting from differences such as normal gender differences, and personality differences can be dealt with if both parties try to bring the best of their uniqueness to the table , and keep their weak spots out of the equation. The one must not become like the other - the differences must be in creative tension with each other, 

In a  bad marriage the wedding day is the becoming one of two people, and the rest of the marriage is to determine which one. And so the sparks fly and they destroy each other. In a good marriage, both parties help each other through creative tension to become more themselves - their best selves. Through creative tension they create light for all those around them. Long live creative tension and creative problem solving. 

For a full programme in this regard for yourself, your relationship or your business: Contact dr Gustav Gous at: gustav@gustavgous.co.za  

If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book him for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 

If you want  interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931   or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Disclaimer:    Important notice to you as the reader:  Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.  

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com     www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .

Open letter to President Obama: We need a Statue of Responsibility on Robben Island please.

Open letter to President Obama:
We need a Statue of Responsibility on Robben Island  please.

Dear president Obama,

Let me cut to the chase: You are visiting Robben Island today – a place of enormous symbolism. I want to make a bold request. Please consider a symbolic gift to us in the form of a statue:   Yes, a big statue to be erected on Robben Island, to be called the Statue of Responsibility .  We all know that the statue of Liberty was a gift of the French nation to the American people. We all know that the powerful presence of  lady Liberty in New York (on Liberty Island), is an inspiration to many. Wouldn’t it be great if you can return the compliment and give a symbolic Statue of Responsibility  to  the people of South Africa, Africa and the World, as a gift from the American people, to be erected on Robben Island where Nelson Mandela was imprisoned.  

Why a statue of Responsibility? We all know that freedom & responsibility (should) go hand in hand like a fish & water. Where things go wrong is where people fight for freedom but forget to act responsibly once they attained freedom.

As USA President, carrying great responsibility, you will know  that freedom is a double sided coin.  It is best illustrated by the fact that in Hebrew there are two words for freedom: ‘hofshi’ and ‘hor’: One denotes negative freedom: “Free FROM …”  oppression, imprisonment, slavery, colonialism, etc. But that is just the starting point. The other word denotes positive freedom: “Free TO ….”  … to serve, to make a positive difference and helping others. Nelson Mandela, whose prison cell you are visiting today, was the perfect example of a leader who embraced both of these meanings of the word ‘freedom’.

All the problems in the world derive from businesses not taking up their responsibilities contributing to climate change and polluting the environment, irresponsible politicians (unlike Mandela) using their position for personal gain, fathers making babies but not taking up their role as fathers neglecting their children. Teenagers, screaming for freedom, can mess up their lives if they don’t have a sense of responsibility.  The list is endless. 

I have a confession: As students of a men’s residence we incurred the wrath of your American Embassy in Pretoria on this topic. It was rag time (charity fund-raising festival) and we toyed with the idea (and even published it) to depict the statue of liberty as a pregnant lady on one of the carnival floats. Your Embassy took offence, and despite our assurances that it was none of us who impregnated her (!?) – they wrote a letter of protest to our University principal, who  came down real hard on us prohibiting us to build a carnival float with a pregnant Statue of Liberty. We wanted to make a point similar to the following:   

Lady Liberty thought, since she symbolizes freedom, that she also must have the freedom to explore a bit and even change her dress and have a bit of fun. So she did:

But one dark and stormy night she neglected her duty to carry the flame of liberty and left her post to play with the sailors in the harbour. She threw all responsibility overboard, and thought nobody would find out – but after a while her slip was showing ….

You look like a man who can appreciate a bit of humor President Obama, but our current reality in SA is no joke. We have leaders who have to be seriously reminded that they must not abuse the freedom they got, after fighting for it so long. Some of them are blatantly using their positions of power for personal gain.

A statue of responsibility will be a soft but strong way to remind all  leaders and citizens of the world to fight for freedom, but use it responsibly. 

Your call earlier on your tour to African leaders, and the African youth was to take responsibility and hold our leaders accountable. Please consider to cement this call now with this symbolic gift. 

You are probably aware that the idea of a Statue of Responsibility was first proposed by the Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, author of  the best-selling book, "Man's Search for Meaning",  In his book  he describes how he created meaning from his prison experience  as a  surviving Nazi prisoner at both Auschwitz and Dachau. "Freedom is not the last word," Frankl wrote. "Freedom is only part of the story and half of the truth. The positive aspect of freedom is responsibleness. That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast."

In the late 1980s dr Frankl spoke  at the University of Pretoria, and  he then  suggested that the Statue must be erected on the other side of the Atlantic ocean in South Africa.

I also know that before his death in 1997 dr Frankl with some American friends including the late  Stephen R. Covey, started the  Statue of Responsibility Foundation and that they already commissioned the Springville sculptor Gary Price to design a monument that captured Frankl's vision. Their idea is to erect it in Utah on the west coast, but the project probably needs government input to be more than a private initiative. There is even a group in South Africa saying it must be in Port Elizabeth in the Eastern Cape in Nelson Mandela Bay.   

My request to you Mr president is: Can’t you take control of this project and get the inspired people to talk to each other and even give consideration to the fact that the best symbolic venue for such a statue would be Robben Island. I am sure it can be a beautiful part of your legacy

Why Robben Island?  Because Robben Island is our Liberty Island – a symbol of hope to the World. It does not only symbolise Freedom ( Nkululeko) - it also symbolises the fact the two leaders, Nelson Mandela and FW de Klerk took responsibility: They used their freedom responsibly to create a future for us all. You will visit Madiba’s cell of 18 years today, but I hope they also share with you the fact that  the decision by the Apartheid government to break free from the old parading and release Mandela, was also taken on the island – in the historic Guest House on the Island where they will probably offer you tea on your visit.

In the late 90’s and we started a “Short Walk to Freedom” project where we took leaders on a 4-step paradigm shift workshop on Robben Island: Captivity, Liberation, Responsibility and Leadership. Part of these workshops was to design models for a Statue of Responsibility to be erected on Robben Island. Robben Island can be the best place for the Statue of Responsibility, because on this island Madiba  had the longest part of his  long walk to freedom. Unfortunately he had a short time for leadership.  Since all of us are to some extent  prisoners without knowing (of the past, personal pain, paradigms , prejudice, etc) we must do our own short walk to freedom.  If we shorten our walk to freedom, we will have a longer time for responsible leadership. 

A Statue of Responsibility can be an international symbol to rally energy for responsible leadership.

I hope this can be part of your legacy, mr. President!

Kind regards

Gustav

Dr Gustav Gous,  MD: Short Walk Seminars (Pty) Ltd  www.gustavgous.co.za