Five stupid things to do to mess up your marriage and burn your fingers

Five stupid things to do to mess up your marriage or relationship

There are rules that guarantee success, and believe me, there are rules that guarantee failure. If you like a really complicated life – then follow the five easy rules that will mess up your marriage. But, on the other hand: If you want to make a success of your marriage/relationship, my advice is just to do the opposite of what I describe here. (Disclaimer: Written from a predominantly male perspective).

It is all about a promise.  Marriage is not only about love and intimacy – it is a deal, a contract. It is a promise to be there for each other, to love and to hold (not withhold – especially on the sexual level!), for richer or poorer, for better or worse. … the old words will ring in your ear.  Nobody forces you to enter into this contract (accept for the shotgun marriages in Gretna Green, Scotland, many years ago!).  You do it willingly and most people do it with the intention to keep it. But there are also others that want to invite disaster …

Here are the 5 rules to guarantee disaster:

1.       1. Don’t RESOLVE to KEEP YOUR MARITAL VOWS:  Go into the marriage but keep a back door open. Hey, what’s the big deal with honour and keeping promises?! What is so important about integrity?

2.       2. Don’t GO FOR COACHING IN MARRIAGE PREPARATION and even COUNSELLING.   Rather go for infidelity. Don’t  do marriage preparation through professional coaches and pastors  http://www.happilymarried.co.za/  .  Act as if you don’t need any training or coaching in relationship-building. And if problems surprise you - at the soonest hick-up in your relationship - look for excuses, to justify extra marital adventures:   She doesn’t give me enough sex, he doesn’t fulfill me emotionally, blah, blah, blah.  When you reach a bad spot where you are unfulfilled – don’t go for counselling - go and look for fulfilment elsewhere. Rather go for infidelity instead of working towards greater intimacy.   Why be like the top sports people in the world that get coaches to help them to succeed. Try it your own way:  If you have pants with a problem, go and look for panties with a solution. If you have a bit of power and status and money perhaps and even a bit of personality, - keep your eyes open – these opportunities will be offered to you from time to time. Or if not, then chase every dress in the vicinity.  

3.       3. Don’t CLOSE the BOOK ON SEARCHING. Keep on looking – see every person you meet as a possible relationship partner. Pick up every vibe of connection where-ever you travel.    [Note: PS: So many people come into my consulting room to say how they have met another person and feel so deeply connected and attracted to this other person, even though they are married. They say it is so special and can’t be neglected. They are surprised if I mention that every person can, in my opinion, meet up to 30 people in a lifetime with whom you may feel a vibe and even a deep connection, and that can potentially be even a marriage partner. My answer is that it is to be expected and not surprising. You will be a fool to run after every vibe you feel. Make it work where you are, if possible. ] Visit dating websites regularly, even when you are married. Keep looking on the menu.  Get a heart attack when the so-called secure website of your sexual escapades are hacked, and that they threaten to publish the names of users in your local newspaper – as happened recently with a dedicated extra-marital affair website.

4.       4. Don’t KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES (AND PROMISES/VOW’s). Don’t keep your boundaries of intimacy and privacy. Start flirting: Do it in person. Or start using social media.  Ignore the advice that you must never send a message to another person that you would not be comfortable for your partner to read. Keep your Mobile phone away and out of reach of your spouse.   Better still: Go full out for emotional and sexual affairs. Ignore the wisdom that intimacy and sex finds it finest fulfillment in a safe relations – in the safe fireplace of a house called marriage.  Rather: Make fires all over the place, all over the neighbourhood or workplace. Burn your life down.  And if you really want to complicate your life, even make babies. Be radical, be a go-getter -  and get even STD’s not forgetting Aids.  Carry all of these back to your partner as a nice bonus gift.   

5.       5. Have an in-ability to SAY STYLISHLY NO and to EXCUSE YOURSELF from compromising situations. Hey, see every temptation as a last chance – what if the temptation doesn’t come again?   Don’t go for self-respect ,  don’t honour your partner,  rather go for the quickie offered on a plate. Humiliate your partner.

Do the above and burn your fingers and burn your relationship house down! 

Enough of the sarcasm and reverse talk:

The best way to prevent the pain of infidelity in marriage is to do the opposite of the above.  Invest in your own relationship – do your utmost to make it work. Go for full fulfillment on a physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual level – this is what I call the 4x4 of intimacy. If you want to sit and re-prepare for the rest of your marriage - use the following white-paper advertised on this website.  http://www.happilymarried.co.za/   Go for marriage counselling and coaching to create ‘champagne’ at home , that you or your partner are not thirsty to go and look for something to drink elsewhere!  Be the best you can be - give no reason for the other person to cheat. And if your partner is still transgressing, after you've done your very best - then it is time for hard decisions about the future of the relationship/marriage. 

Post script:   Just to see the pain in your partner's heart is also a sobering experience. I cannot include stories from my consulting room for confidentiality reasons, but here are quotes from the internet that will help you understand the pain inflicted on your partner: 

So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman….. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” 
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” 
― Patti Callahan Henry, Between the Tides

F**k You for cheating on me. F**k you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. F**k you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.” 

― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

 Last word: Keep your life uncomplicated, spare yourself and your partner lots of pain,  and stay true in marriage.  

Dr Gustav Gous was the in-house counselor for an international Petro-chemical company (SASOL) where he coached staff from CEO to shop floor level. If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book him for talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 
If you want  interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931   or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and 

Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol 

for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership 

programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President 

of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a 

member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  

Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, 

specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com     www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .