The Gustav Gous blog: August 2015

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Test yourself: Do I have winning habits? Your habits can make or break you.

Test yourself: Do I have winning habits?

Your habits can make or break you.

1.       The good habits make you, the bad ones break you.
2.       Why do we need habits? Habits are protocols for success
3.        How do we form habits? How does it work ?
4.       How do we change habits?
5.       We need habits on these areas ...: Be it the 7, 10, 14 or 50 habits of highly successful people.
6.       Six steps to change habits :

1. The good habits make you, the bad ones break you.

All of us have habits. These habits can make or break you. You first form your habits, then they determine your destiny. The reality is – bad habits can cause your demise, but good habits can help you to be a winner in your game. The question is: Do I have winning habits. Aristotle said excellence is an habit. I always say - to sales people, relationship partners, business people, sports teams, etc : Show me your habits , and I will be able to almost forecast your future. The sum-total of your habits are like your autopilot: If your autopilot is set on the wrong thing – then you will surely perish like the German Wings plane that crashed into a mountain because a mentally disturbed pilot set the plane onto a collision course with a mountain to commit suicide. But a good autopilot can help you to land safely and rendezvous with your destination

2. Why do we need habits? Habits are protocols for success.

In the freedom of everyday life we l cannot decide from scratch everything we must do – we must make life easier by creating little patterns to limit tedious decision making. Values are rules for success, but habits are protocols for success. We are creatures of habit. The downside is that it limits our options and creativity in the moment, but the upside is that this ‘automatism’ can really help us. The human life process can be simplified to three aspects: Feeling, thinking and action. We all create habits in these areas: thinking patterns, emotional patterns and actions patterns - and they in turn determine our destiny. In the consulting room I help people to have better habits to handle their emotions, better thinking patterns, and better repeated actions aka habits.

3. How do we form habits? How does it work ? ..

The process is simple : Thoughts are the seeds of deeds. And repeated action form habits. Sow a thought, reap an action, sow an action , reap a habit, sow an habit, reap a character, and sow a character , reap a destiny. Your character is made up of the sum total of all your habits, and your character determines your destiny. This is also true for families and companies. Culture can be defined as ‘the way we do things’. In families you can exchange the word ‘character’ with ‘family culture’, and in corporations with corporate culture: It is true: You create the corporate culture (or family culture) and the culture will create your bottom line or progress in life.

4. How do we change habits?

You change habits in the exact same way as you form habits: New and better ideas must lead to new actions that will, when done repeatedly, will become new habits, changing your character and your destiny. Habits are changed through replacement. Your habits fill your life like water that fill a glass. Only new water can drive the old water out. Men/women doing woodwork know that you drive out a nail with another nail. You replace a habit through doing a new thing (new eating patterns) repeatedly and not by thinking about the previous habit (I must not eat cream cake).

5. We need habits on these areas ...: Be it the 7, 10, 14 or 50 habits of highly successful people.

When Stephan Covey wrote his “The 7 habits of highly effective people” he started a trend followed by many people to compile list of success habits. One of the best developments was the Shadowmatch® worksheet tool developed by Pieter de Villiers, a colleague of mine. His list of 19 success habits for the workplace is to my mind one of the most important recent developments. I would like to take it one step further and categorize some of these habits under headings where we must create habits:

The success habits Shadowmatch® (IN CAPS) are as follows:

HABIT: PROPENSITY TO OWN & PROPENSITY TO HAND-OFF , HABIT: TO SIMPLIFY; HABIT: RESILIENCE; HABIT: FRUSTRATION HANDLING; HABIT: TEAM & INDIVIDUAL INCLINATION ; HABIT: SELF-MOTIVATION HABIT: ROUTINE ; HABIT: PROBLEM SOLVING ; HABIT: RESPONSIVENESS ; HABIT: INNOVATION ; HABIT: PEOPLE POSITIVE ; HABIT: DISCIPLINE ; HABIT: CONFLICT HANDLING; HABIT: ALTRUISM ; HABIT: SELF CONFIDENCE ; HABIT: LEADERSHIP

Just for the sake of memory: The 7 habits from Stephan Covey are:

1) Be Proactive 2) Begin With The End In Mind 3) Put First Things First 4) Think Win/Win 5) Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood 6) Synergize 7) Sharpen The Saw

The Covey and Shadowmatch® habits can be categorized under the headings of the important facets to shape in executive coaching ( Taken from my Diamond Profiling© Shaping yourself model). In my Executive coaching program “Diamond Profiling©” we work with the two levels of a human being: The inside: intra-personal, and the outside: self-projection/personality. Then there are two playing fields where you have to perform every day: Interface with people, and Interface with Life and Work.

(i) Intra-personal

(ii) Personality/Self projection

(iii) Interface with people

(iv) Interface with life/Work

Obviously the habits on the field of shaping your own self is just part of one of the 8 areas in life where we need good habits:

A. Physical Habits

B. Family life habits

C. Social Habits

D. Spiritual Habits

E. Talent/Shaping yourself Habits

F. Work Habits

G. Wealth Creation Habits

H. Charity/Making a difference Habits

6. Six steps to change habits :

Here is a short 6 step process to change/replace habits:
After the big decision to make your life different:

- Step 1: Get a new action plan (list of new behaviours)

- Step 2: Commit and resolve to keep it for at least 30 days. Start immediately

- Step 3: Line reminders/alarm clocks up to keep you going

- Step 4: Get an accountability partner / exercise partner to make sure you don’t have to do it alone.

- Step 5: Act with Discipline (create a routine)

- Step 6: Reward yourself along the way. (Not with cream cake!)

Dr Gustav Gous was the in-house counselor for an international Petro-chemical company (SASOL) where he coached staff from CEO to shop floor level. If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book him for talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za
If you want interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931 or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities.

Dr Gustav Gous is an International Motivational Speaker and

Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol

for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership

programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President

of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a

member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).

Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute,

specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans. gustav@gustavgous.co.za drgous@iafrica.com www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous or on Facebook and LinkedIn .

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Five stupid things to do to mess up your marriage and burn your fingers

Five stupid things to do to mess up your marriage or relationship

There are rules that guarantee success, and believe me, there are rules that guarantee failure. If you like a really complicated life – then follow the five easy rules that will mess up your marriage. But, on the other hand: If you want to make a success of your marriage/relationship, my advice is just to do the opposite of what I describe here. (Disclaimer: Written from a predominantly male perspective).

It is all about a promise. Marriage is not only about love and intimacy – it is a deal, a contract. It is a promise to be there for each other, to love and to hold (not withhold – especially on the sexual level!), for richer or poorer, for better or worse. … the old words will ring in your ear. Nobody forces you to enter into this contract (accept for the shotgun marriages in Gretna Green, Scotland, many years ago!). You do it willingly and most people do it with the intention to keep it. But there are also others that want to invite disaster …

Here are the 5 rules to guarantee disaster:

1. 1. Don’t RESOLVE to KEEP YOUR MARITAL VOWS: Go into the marriage but keep a back door open. Hey, what’s the big deal with honour and keeping promises?! What is so important about integrity?

2. 2. Don’t GO FOR COACHING IN MARRIAGE PREPARATION and even COUNSELLING. Rather go for infidelity. Don’t do marriage preparation through professional coaches and pastors http://www.happilymarried.co.za/ . Act as if you don’t need any training or coaching in relationship-building. And if problems surprise you - at the soonest hick-up in your relationship - look for excuses, to justify extra marital adventures: She doesn’t give me enough sex, he doesn’t fulfill me emotionally, blah, blah, blah. When you reach a bad spot where you are unfulfilled – don’t go for counselling - go and look for fulfilment elsewhere. Rather go for infidelity instead of working towards greater intimacy. Why be like the top sports people in the world that get coaches to help them to succeed. Try it your own way: If you have pants with a problem, go and look for panties with a solution. If you have a bit of power and status and money perhaps and even a bit of personality, - keep your eyes open – these opportunities will be offered to you from time to time. Or if not, then chase every dress in the vicinity.

3. 3. Don’t CLOSE the BOOK ON SEARCHING. Keep on looking – see every person you meet as a possible relationship partner. Pick up every vibe of connection where-ever you travel. [Note: PS: So many people come into my consulting room to say how they have met another person and feel so deeply connected and attracted to this other person, even though they are married. They say it is so special and can’t be neglected. They are surprised if I mention that every person can, in my opinion, meet up to 30 people in a lifetime with whom you may feel a vibe and even a deep connection, and that can potentially be even a marriage partner. My answer is that it is to be expected and not surprising. You will be a fool to run after every vibe you feel. Make it work where you are, if possible. ] Visit dating websites regularly, even when you are married. Keep looking on the menu. Get a heart attack when the so-called secure website of your sexual escapades are hacked, and that they threaten to publish the names of users in your local newspaper – as happened recently with a dedicated extra-marital affair website.

4. 4. Don’t KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES (AND PROMISES/VOW’s). Don’t keep your boundaries of intimacy and privacy. Start flirting: Do it in person. Or start using social media. Ignore the advice that you must never send a message to another person that you would not be comfortable for your partner to read. Keep your Mobile phone away and out of reach of your spouse. Better still: Go full out for emotional and sexual affairs. Ignore the wisdom that intimacy and sex finds it finest fulfillment in a safe relations – in the safe fireplace of a house called marriage. Rather: Make fires all over the place, all over the neighbourhood or workplace. Burn your life down. And if you really want to complicate your life, even make babies. Be radical, be a go-getter - and get even STD’s not forgetting Aids. Carry all of these back to your partner as a nice bonus gift.

5. 5. Have an in-ability to SAY STYLISHLY NO and to EXCUSE YOURSELF from compromising situations. Hey, see every temptation as a last chance – what if the temptation doesn’t come again? Don’t go for self-respect , don’t honour your partner, rather go for the quickie offered on a plate. Humiliate your partner.

Do the above and burn your fingers and burn your relationship house down!

Enough of the sarcasm and reverse talk:

The best way to prevent the pain of infidelity in marriage is to do the opposite of the above. Invest in your own relationship – do your utmost to make it work. Go for full fulfillment on a physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual level – this is what I call the 4x4 of intimacy. If you want to sit and re-prepare for the rest of your marriage - use the following white-paper advertised on this website. http://www.happilymarried.co.za/ Go for marriage counselling and coaching to create ‘champagne’ at home , that you or your partner are not thirsty to go and look for something to drink elsewhere! Be the best you can be - give no reason for the other person to cheat. And if your partner is still transgressing, after you've done your very best - then it is time for hard decisions about the future of the relationship/marriage.

Post script: Just to see the pain in your partner's heart is also a sobering experience. I cannot include stories from my consulting room for confidentiality reasons, but here are quotes from the internet that will help you understand the pain inflicted on your partner:

So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman….. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.”
― Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.”
― Patti Callahan Henry, Between the Tides

F**k You for cheating on me. F**k you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. F**k you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.”

― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

Last word: Keep your life uncomplicated, spare yourself and your partner lots of pain, and stay true in marriage.