Lousy apology? How to apologize and when to forgive.
Disclaimer: Important notice to you as the reader: Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.
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by dr Gustav Gous
Many
of my clients ask: What must I do if my
spouse, partner, child (or even my business partner or local politician) offers
a lousy apology. Must I accept it and
forgive? Or assert my right to ask for a better apology .
In
this very short blog I want to share the basic elements of a good apology. If
you messed up – make sure to use it as guideline on how to offer a good
apology. If you were on the receiving
end of wrongdoing, then you can use it as a grid to know what to look for in a
good apology.
A
good apology should include;
1. 1. A direct reference
to the behaviour, wrongdoing at stake and a detailed account of what happened.
2. 2. An acknowledgement that
it had negative effects (damage, loss or hurt)
3. 3. Taking full
responsibility for the action/behaviour
4. 4. A full apology and statement
of regret
5. 5. Specifically asking
for forgiveness
6. 6. A statement on what
is different? - and that it will not happen again (a promise is not good
enough). If nothing is different, it will just re-occur.
7. 7. An explanation on
what he/she will do to rectify the situation and what restitution will be
involved.
When any of these elements are missing, or
talked away with flimsy excuses, the apology is not complete. General references like: “Sorry for what
happened”, or “I am sorry that it turned out this way”, is not good enough and
not sufficient. Any conditional apology is also not making the cut: “I’m sorry
but …. It wasn’t actually me” or “I had this or that reason …”. The worst is: “Sorry
that you took it up in this way”.
The
best way to look at it is to ask: If my
child came to me offering this lame excuse, how would I have reacted. Obviously
pointing out where it was not yet done in the correct way.
A very
recent example was the President of the Republic of South Africa, Jacob Zuma,
offering an apology to the nation, after being found guilty of violating (failing
to uphold) the Constitution of the RSA.
The
Church can be said is to be in the forgiveness business. But when the Anglican archbishop, and the South
African Council of Churches, said they think it is a lame apology and that they
do noit accept it, it created quite a furore. I
include the web-link to the full text of the President’s apology http://ewn.co.za/2016/04/01/Full-text-of-President-Zumas-speech-on-Concourt-Nkandla-judgment. Judge for yourself if his apology fulfils any
of the requirements of a good apology. According to me it doesn’t even come
close.
The
basic message is: Before you forgive:
Listen carefully to the apology addressed to you. Even the bible says repentance
and forgiveness must go hand in hand with the changing of your ways.
Furthermore
it must also be debated if repentance must always lead to reconciliation –
which is another matter.
If you want more information on how to make counselling/coaching appointments or book dr Gustav Gous for motivational talks, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za
If you want interventions for your team: Contact +27 12 3455931 0r 0845138312 (Speak to Karen) or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities.
Disclaimer: Important notice to you as the reader: Although the life coach (dr Gustav Gous) provide certain recommendations, the sole and final responsibility for decision-making remains your own and that the life coach or anybody associated to him and his company Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd cannot be held responsible for any of your choices and reactions. You, the reader, must take full responsibility for your life, reactions and choices.
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Dr Gustav Gous is an International Motivational Speaker and Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. He
was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”.
He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore). Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for
international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans. gustav@gustavgous.co.za drgous@iafrica.com www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,
Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous or on Facebook and LinkedIn .
