Call the bluff of bullies: How to stand up to bullies at school, at work and in love relationships.

Call the bluff of bullies:  How to stand up to bullies at school, at work and in love relationships. 

There are 5 critical steps to stand up to bullies at school, at work and in love relationships.  You can use it to protect yourself against bullies. Or you can use it to teach your children or friends to protect themselves from this evil - the unacceptable behaviour called bullying. 

You can know that bullies come in all ages, sizes, races, religions, and in both genders. You can even know the four reasons why people revert to bully behaviour, namely:

1.        They were either bullied themselves by their parents, peers, even teachers, in the past.

2.        They have big ego’s – the normal disguise for feelings of inferiority - and they find joy in being the top dog in the popularity race, and use the group to become an emotional lynch mob.

3.        They want to compensate for their own insecurities, by being the gate-keeper of who is ‘in, and who is ‘out’.

4.        Or (and this is the very dangerous type) that they have little, if any, empathy and may even show ruthless psychopathic tendencies,

You can also know that it is true what Tim Field says: "Bullying consists of the least competent most aggressive employee projecting their incompetence on to the least aggressive most competent employee and winning."

But all of it is just brain gymnastics if you do not follow the practical steps on how to counter bully behaviour. Here are the 5 steps:

1.       1. It starts with a DEEP INNER REALIZATION that I am worthy and must be treated as such. It even has a spiritual dimension of, that if God regards me as worthy, who am I or any other person to dare to differ.

2.       2. Then it must be followed by the IMPORTANT UNDERSTANDING that it is in actual fact the bully that is insecure. A person secure of him or herself will never feel the need to resort to bully behaviour. If people are trying to bring you down – it is only because you are above them.

3.       3. It must be followed by a STRONG RESOLVE that I am not going to allow it that  anyone’s insecurities, ignorance,  hate, drama or negativity prevent me from being the best person I can be. 

4.       4. IMMEDIATE ACTION must follow: SPEAK OUT! Tim Field is quoted to say: ‘Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim.’ Your task is to go and seek protection from authority figures that can discipline the bullies. Speak out formally: 

-          If you are a young student at school – make use of the anonymous reporting lines to report bully behaviour.  (If you are a teacher or parent and there are no such reporting procedures – make sure to introduce them a.s.a.p.) 

-          At work, phone the ethics line and report victimization, or report it to HR using the available procedures in the workplace. You can also speak to your labour union representative.

-          In marriages it is more difficult because there is no higher authority to appeal to. The parents-in-law are more than often part of the problem and not part of the solution. But you can always seek help from a counsellor/coach/psychologist to strengthen you to handle the situation.

Speak out informally even if you have to shout out loud, or describe the person’s actions in loud audible words, to pull immediate attention to the shameful action of the bully.   And remember: Don’t ever go down the road of contemplating suicide or even attempt to plan or do it! Why must you take yourself out because of another person’s bad behaviour. Whatever the bullies say or do – they are saying anyway more about themselves than about you.

5.       5. Lastly you must STRENGTHEN YOUR OWN ABILITIES, because you will have to learn to fend for yourself. It includes the ability to cut off negative things and learn not to internalize them. Master the art of verbal and nonverbal (body language) assertiveness. Aggressiveness by the bully must not be answered with submissiveness or with aggressiveness from your side but with assertiveness where you draw a line in the sand and protect your own boundaries. Learn verbal defense mechanisms, in extreme cases physical defense mechanisms and develop the discernment when to step out of a situation if necessary.  Bullies are usually cowards. They usually back off or run if you show real forceful resistance.

Follow these 5 steps, but be sure to solicit the help of a life coach to master the art of asserting yourself in a positive way.

But what if you are the bully? That is a topic for another day, but here is something very briefly for you:    

(1)    You must know : The world sees you for what you are : Bullying are for losers

(2)    Try to find out where it comes from (difficult childhood, bad example, etc) but realize: It is not always your fault that you are the way you are, but is your fault that you stay the way you are.

(3)    Realize there is no real joy in PHD-life: A Pull Him/Her Down-life. You will never feel better, if the only thing you can do is make other people suffer.

(4)    Go for counselling to experience the freedom of being liberated from your own destructive behaviour, that, if left unattended, will boomerang  one day on you.

If you do not want to head the call to seek help:  Just hope in the meantime, that the kid you bully does not  turn out to be the surgeon that one day have the decision making power to  save your life through keeping the machines on or switching them off! 

Lastly: Make sure to always have sympathy with your kids: If you have to go through as an adult,  what they often are faced with at school, then you would come out stronger in their support. 

One of the most graphic depictions of this is this French bully video where they transfer the typical bully behaviour your child is faced with to the workplace with adult role players. How will you react if the following happens to you?    

This video is an eye opener and went viral – +- more than 1,5 million views – it will grip your heart about the realities your kids may be faced with.  Share as widely as possible to conscientize people.

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and 

Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol 

for 9 years. He focusses on all the inner and inter-personal processes necessary to conduct good business. 

He is known for his Transformational leadership 

programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President 

of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa and a 

member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  

Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, 

specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. He is the CEO of Short Walk Seminars Pty Ltd.

Contact his office: +2712 3455931  Office hours 08:00 - 13:30 South African Time. (CAT) 

  www.gustavgous.co.za , www.diviin.com ,

 gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com

Follow him on Twitter: @GustavGous  or on Facebook and LinkedIn .

Self-confidence is attractive. It is a skill that can be learned

Self-confidence is attractive. It is a skill that can be learned.

The best thing a woman can wear, is self-confidence. And the same can be said of a man. A strong self-image and self-confidence is the foundation of all great achievements. The opposite is also true: Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities. You self-image is like a thermostat: It can hold you back and make you trip out before you reach your full potential.

I want to make the statement that self-confidence is a skill that can be learned. It is also one of the 32 strengths listed in the Gallup StrengtsFinder Test. Here are 5 steps to acquire the skill of self-confidence and to sharpen the strength.  

Everybody does not start equal in the game. It helps if you had a childhood where you were affirmed and could naturally develop a youthful self-confidence. But all is not lost for those who grew up in circumstances where everybody, including your parents talked you down, instead of up.

With or without a current strong self-confidence, here are 5 steps to build a solid self-image and self-confidence.

The pre-work is to understand what a self-image is: It is what you think about yourself and how you see yourself – not a ‘what-others-think-of-me’-image. So take your self-image back, own it, and start to work with it.

1.       1. Make a DECISION:  Start with the INTENTION: “I can …” 

Nothing out there or inside yourself can prevent you to someday just stand up and say: I believe I can! If I believe I can, I am  right and if I believe I can’t I am also right. So why not start with the belief I can. You do not need 50 people to affirm you first – just start with the intention. It is a good enough starting point. This must be followed by positive self-talk. Talk yourself up and not down.

2.       2. Then live TRUE to yourself, live in INTEGRITY

You must become more of what you are. But too many people live their whole lives trying to find themselves. Instead they must realize: Life is about creating yourself. Know what you are and then become better at it. Realize you are made of the right stuff - you are a diamond, and what shape of diamond you are, and then start to shape yourself,

3.       3. Develop COMPETENCY  and expertise in the field you want to excel in

The attitude of ‘I can’,  must be followed by the action of building knowledge, skills, ability and expertise. Without that you will be just an arrogant bag of wind.  The task here is just to start, and not to be afraid of failure. The person who believes he/she can, will also build confidence in failing forward.  Only those who do nothing, don’t make mistakes.  But those who know they can learn from their mistakes, can build self-confidence, because they are getting better all along. It is all about the confidence-competence loop.  The better you become the more confident you become, and the more confident you are, the better you perform. This is how you BUILD confidence - through doing and improving. 

4.       4.Then go for REPEATED ACTION or momentum

The only thing that will cause you not to freeze in front of a big audience, will be the deep down knowledge that I have practiced and exercised this thing over and over and over again.  Big match temperament is not born but created through the discipline of repeated exercise.

5.       5.Surround you with a POSITIVE COMMUNITY.

Lastly you must do yourself a favour to surround you with people who talk you up and not down.  Distance you as far as possible from the PHD-people – the Pull Him/Her Down people.  Sometimes you have such a family member or spouse, and it would be difficult to get them out of your life, but at least you can choose your group – make therefore sure that there are more positive people in your life than negative ones.  They do not determine you, but you can make it easy for yourself to function in a positive circle of influence/influencers, who believe in you and cheer you on. A person with a positive self-image will also listen to the most negative feedback from enemies, weigh if there are any truth in it, and use it to grow and improve. They act upon it if they discover that negative feedback is valid.

Lastly: What about arrogance?  Arrogance is step 1: A strong self-belief without the discipline of steps 2-5. Arrogance is also usually a dead give-away for a low self-image. A person with a strong self-image projects him/her  with confidence, not arrogance.  A self-confident person’s acts speak for themselves – and he/she doesn’t have to brag about it!

Use the five steps to build your self-confidence and self-projection.

If you want more information on this, contact admin@gustavgous.co.za 
If you want  interventions for your team: Request it on www.gustavgous.co.za  or via WhatsApp on +27825657451   or email gustav@gustavgous.co.za to discuss possibilities. 

Dr Gustav Gous  is an International Motivational Speaker and 

Executive Life Coach with experience on 5 continents. In the past he 

was the in-house counselor for the petro-chemical company Sasol 

for 9 years. He is known for his Transformational leadership 

programmes on Robben Island, titled the “Short Walk to Freedom”. 

He is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) and past President 

of the Professional Speakers Association of Southern Africa, as well as the founding President of the Professional Speakers Association of Namibia and a member of the APSS (Asia Professional Speakers Singapore).  

Currently he is heading up the Diversity Intelligence Institute, 

specializing in rolling out Diversity Intelligence interventions for 

international companies. His leadership caps does for leadership what De Bono's thinking hats did for creativity and problem solving. His Coaching programme on national Radio in South Africa RSG FM 100-104 "Fiks vir die lewe" touches the lives of many South Africans.  gustav@gustavgous.co.za    drgous@iafrica.com     www.gustavgous.co.za ,

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